Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Woo Hoo for Wednesday

Once you get started its hard to stop. I probably took AT LEAST 100 pictures of myself hoping to capture that one picture that would make me step back and say "ahhh".

ha ha ha

posted by Sarah W @ 5:19 PM   24 Comments

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Legend of Bret-Jr the Hedgehog

On Sunday morning we all woke up and went about our separate ways. I noticed right before lunch that there was a plastic hedgehog sitting on the porch. I didn't think much of it, thinking Amanda and Chris had taken it out of their car. Later that day Amanda asked in passing if I had put the hedgehog on the porch.

The rest of the afternoon we spent asking all of our friends if they had given us the hedgehog and everyone said no...we had almost given up, when we got a knock on the door at 11:06pm and Brandie looked at us and said "did you like the hedgehog?" hahaha

She said her and Bret were at Walmart and remembered that I said that I wanted a hedgehog so they got me this hedgehog that we have dubbed "Bret Jr".

The End.

posted by Sarah W @ 9:17 PM   2 Comments

Thursday, April 17, 2008

SARAH December 25, 2006

“Word cant express the hurt I feel for you right now. I want so bad to give you a child and to make things better and fulfill your dream of a family. I want you to know that I love you more deeply than anyone on this earth. You are my queen and the love of my life. I don’t know how to help you through this other than pray. I’m at a loss right now because no amount of encouragement, counsel or wisdom seems to be helping and I feel helpless, brokenhearted and true compassion and sympathy for you. I just want you to know that we are in this together. I will do my best to be a support and help as you deal with the emotions and disappointment so far. When you hurt, I hurt. I love you my baby, and will forever be here for you. I wish I could solve this whole thing for you. I wish I could change the way things are. But I’m not God. I am however someone who loves you more deeply than anyone on this earth, and nothing will ever change that. You are the reason I smile and I pray that you find comfort in the fact that I love you and am praying for you. My concern and my love runs deep, but not as deep as the fathers love. I know in time you will truly know how deep, how wide, how high His love is for you. And as you find peace in His love, even though it may be hard to see, feel, or even recognize right now, the very heart of God will be revealed to you through a child. I am here for you, your adoring husband, Shannon”
Today. Would’ve been 3 years of trying to have a baby…No words can express the emotions I feel as I write out this letter. I found this yesterday in my Bible and read it and realized how much I think Shannon actually knew of what would come in the future…Jesus rose from the grave after 3 days…I’m rising from a grave too, except mind has been for 3 years and now I can live again. I walk in joy as these grave clothes fall from my broken body, revealing a re-born and resurrected life, waiting to be lived.

posted by Sarah W @ 9:43 AM   1 Comments

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Happy Birthday Greg

To my favorite hispanic ever - Happy Birthday G-dawg

Amanda made this amazing cake...seriously. She had never made a cake with Fondant before and decided to experiment...$43.65 later she discovered that just MAYBE you need to have a little experience with Fondant before attempting to make the most amazing cake in the world.

But we all ate it with happy looks on our face. The main topic of conversation involved a heavy discussion of the difference between Hispanics and Latinos...including a geography lesson of where different people come from.

Excerpt :
Amanda - "so where do hispanics come from?"
Greg - "um...Spain"
Amanda - "oh"

posted by Sarah W @ 5:55 PM   4 Comments

Monday, April 14, 2008

Oh where oh where has my self esteem gone?

I made a horrid discovery last week. I, Sarah Webb, who once has self confidence, found myself staring down at my life discovering that my self esteem has disappeared. Its true. All of the sudden my self esteem went and hid somewhere far from my sight. I spent years building up my love of myself...I am not talking about a selfish, conceited love...but an appreciation of who I am - as a person, an employee, a wife, a sister, etc.

I had a rough childhood. From the very beginning I did not fit in with my peers. I was always overweight. I hit puberty in the 4th grade, leaving me as the awkward kid in my class...the one who had acne and the one who was "fat". If that didn't make things worse my nose definitely took the cake on making me an oddball. My nose was huge, and my face not huge with it. I suffered through the taunts of other kids calling me "big nose" and picking on me because I wore hand-me-downs. Through these tough years I became increasingly self-critical of my appearance. I cringed when I looked in the mirror begging God to make me beautiful, or at least pretty enough that the other kids wouldn't pick on me. I cried on more than one occasion when the boys in the class made fun of me, when all I wanted was a boyfriend.

This total self-hatred followed me through high school and eventually subsided when I hit college. At least in college I surrounded by other misfits and I didn't feel so left out. It was only when I expressed my affection for my best guy friend and he turned it around to ask out my best was only then that I truly discovered that I hated being me.

All the years of sitting on the sidelines and being the oddball. I felt ugly. I looked ugly. And this view of my self overflowed into my life, making my attitude unbearable. In truth these self-hatred kept me from ever really drawing near to God. I blamed Him for all the taunts and the loneliness.

Eventually after I met Shannon, I became more settled in who I was. Learning that if someone could love my faults, I could love my faults. I had finally forgave God for making me this horrid creature and really started to love myself.

But things change, Shannon dies. I'm stuck again thinking about how much I hate seeing myself. I look in the mirror and critique my appearance nonstop. I feel myself crawling back into the shell that I discarded years ago...falling back into old habits. So now, I am coming to a place of recognition that I have a problem. My self-esteem is disappearing and I need to do something about it.

Then wise-Nolan comes into the pictures and gives me a pep talk...he tells me that I don't need to care what other people think about me...that if my attitude shows that I love myself, other people will love me too. It was simple truths and yet it spoke volumes into what I was feeling. And from that moment I felt like I started to mend this broken self-esteem of mine. I am slowly realizing that my beauty is from the inside out and that the light of Christ in me makes me the most beautiful person in the world. I have gone into the valley only to re-emerge and find beauty in what I thought was lost. I know that I don't have to fret about how people view me. God holds my future and my destiny in His hands, and He arrange who I am to meet, and eventually be with. Its this time now that I am being beckoned to come forth and really seek God and find Him. In light of this new declaration of my purpose, I went and bought the book Rachel read "Don't waste your life". I read the first chapter and was immediately alerted to the fact that this book will change my life...This book will encourage me to make the most of myself. This book will teach me how to live again...

Self-esteem is a very precious lesson to learn and to practice. Having a positive self-image impacts your life is so many ways. You never realize it though, until its missing and you sit writing your blog trying to grasp and re-learn the art of loving oneself.

This is Sarah Webb. And she is one sexy beast...remember that. Because sometimes she may need reminding...

posted by Sarah W @ 10:44 PM   3 Comments

Virginia is full of beauty...

posted by Sarah W @ 12:18 AM   0 Comments

Thursday, April 10, 2008

To go into further one of my WW pictures....

I didn't really put the meanings of the different pictures I chose. This picture actually means alot to me, and is in a way a tribute. You see the three things in this picture are all memories of Shannon. The painting in the background is a painting that Amanda did for Shannon for Christmas. He hated at first, but then came to love it so incredibly much that he absolutely had to have it hang above the fireplace. The flowers in the picture are "Yellow-Belles". This is actually the spray we had on his casket. I will always look at the Yellow-Belle in the front yard and remember bloomed the week he died. Every yellow-belle I see reminds me of him. And finally the Willow Tree figurine. Amanda bought this for me before Shannon died. The girl is spreading her arms wide open with an expression of joy and freedom, and on her arms are little birds. Shannon was obsessed with birds. He was always so excited when he would see a hawk. Amanda said to me I would cry when I saw the figurine, and she was right. I look at that little figurine on my fireplace and think of Shannon.

Just a little background on that picture.

posted by Sarah W @ 10:22 PM   1 Comments

I'm Pretty Sure...

That Racquetball is my favorite thing of all time...

posted by Sarah W @ 9:30 AM   0 Comments

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

So here goes...

So lets see if I can do this...My color was obviously red...I like red. It always stands out.

posted by Sarah W @ 8:56 PM   9 Comments

Saturday, April 05, 2008

How Sampson is Dealing...

So we all thought at first that Sampson was doing well with the fact that Shannon was gone. He seemed to be dealing well with it. But we've noticed the last few day that he isn't doing so well...We have caught him smoking and picking up prostitutes and doing drugs...the proof is below...

We've talked about it and Sampson is going to Encounter this weekend...(Disclaimer - Sampson was not injured in the making of these photographs...and the "drugs" is really Splenda)

posted by Sarah W @ 12:48 PM   3 Comments

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

To Really See the Hands of God...

"Into Your hands I commit my spirit,
redeem me, Oh Lord, the God of Truth"
Psalm 31:5 So many people have made the comment that I am "strong" and they marvel at "my strength". In truth, this "strength" that I have is not me. Its something deeper than me. Something further than me. Its something that sustains me and can sustain you. This strength I walk in daily and find my comfort and peace was pre-ordained at this very moment for me. This strength that I have needed was prepared for me well in advance.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and to not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future..." Jeremiah 29:11

I wanted to share the story of how gracious and good God is to me. Well before Shannon died, God prepared my heart for the very moment of Shannon's passing. There are things about the time before he died that will really show the greatness and mercy of God. There are ten things that God revealed to me about Shannon dying...things revealed years ago, things revealed not so long ago...each thing though bore a lesson for me to learn and brought a comfort to me in a time where most people crumble under the grief.

1. The Mantle. Years ago I came to the realization that God was passing the Mantle of Keith Green on to me. Keith Green has always been one of my favorite musicians. The first song I ever learned on the piano was a Keith Green song. When I was a senior I did a report on Keith Green's amazing life and untimely death. I had settled it in my heart that God was passing on the passion and talent of Keith Green to me. I had commented this to Shannon quite often and made the observation that Shannon's music was similar to Keith Green's in his chord structure, lyrics, spirit, etc. Shannon had said to me that he felt that when God said that the mantle was being passed to me, that it was really our union and ministry. Keith Green was at the height of his ministry and success when he died at 29.

2. The Revelation. When we got married God revealed to me that Shannon and I would only have 7 years. I never shared this with Shannon, because Shannon was so convinced that we would be together for 50 years or more. But each time Shannon would get sick, my heart would be reminded of the revelation that God revealed to me. He let me begin the preparations in my heart for losing the love of my life.

3. The Example. One of my favorite books is "Through the Gates of Splendor" by Elisabeth Elliot. I actually got the opportunity to meet Elisabeth Elliot years ago and did not know the full depths of the amazing woman of God I was meeting. I read her book after I met her. She lost her husband, and her book bears witness to her devotion to God and how she handled her life afterwards. I have had Elisabeth Elliot listed as my hero on my myspace page for years.

4. The Mirror Image. One of my favorite books of all time is "Maggie-Now" by Betty Smith. In a nutshell, Maggie-Now marries a man, they can't have a baby and eventually he dies. The books is written so beautifully that you feel like you are a part of the story. I have read this book probably a dozen times...I came to the realization that I was so similar to Maggie-Now a few weeks.

5. The Preparation. Its no secret. On April 17th of this year we would've been trying to get pregnant for 3 very long years. I am the type of person when you go through some major life issue, I read every book I can put my hands on and do as much research as humanly possible. I had read in several places that dealing with infertility was similar to working through the grief process. So for almost 3 years, I have learned the grief process and put into practice recognizing the signs and how to call them as they are and deal with them. Every single month, I went through this process. I was mentally building up the ability to handle traumatic situations and to see God through the situations. Now that I look back I thank God that we did not have a child. God knew that I couldn't handle being a single mother. He also gave us 4 1/2 beautiful years of an awesome marriage.

6. The Feeling. 3 weeks before Shannon died, I had this random, eerie internal conversation where I said to myself "I hope Shannon doesn't die" Then I talked myself through what I would do if he ever died. I think the movie "PS I Love You" or "Catch and Release" triggered this conversation in my head. I didn't think much of it at the time and just brushed it off. God let me start to think about the what-ifs...

7. The Contentment. On New Years Eve I made the public proclamation that in 2008 I would content in WHATEVER happened. I put that into practice and started leaning more on God and focusing less on the whole baby issue. Shannon and I began a merging of our souls, where we truly became one person. Our individual goals become our common goals. Our thoughts were centered on Christ and Each other. Our relationship had gone to an amazing new level.

8. The Peace. The day before Shannon left for Virginia, he stood in the kitchen exclaiming to me that he was in the best place he had ever been in his life. He said he was doing better mentally, physically (even using the phrase "that stomach stuff is way behind me now"), and spiritually. He said that for the first time in a very long time he was walking with God. When you lose someone you love, there's always that uneasiness about where they "go'. I had no question in my head about it. I knew that God had been preparing Shannon for his final departure. That god had arranged people in his path to encourage him and spiritually lift him up. He lived the last 2 months of his life with intense integrity, indescribable peace, and unstoppable faith.

9. The Promise. Years ago we went on a Sunday School trip to the mountains where a pastor spoke over me. I wrote down what he said. It never made sense until Shannon died. I'm only going to put bits and pieces of it, but you can totally get the picture...

" shall see my power and my anointing flow through you...I have set you on this path and it is my desire to lead you and guide you into the fullness of my will for your life...follow my peace, follow my peace, and I shall lead and guide you in the things that still lie ahead. For you too this is a day of restoration. That which you've seen to consider lost, I still hold. Those things that have been trampled over and seem gone forever are still able in me...look for those things to be do not give up or give out, For I pour in today so that you may pour out"

10. The Future. God has spoken in my heart things about my future. Things that only He and I know. But He has given me a promise and a hope of what is to come.

I stand amazed at the steps that God has ordered during this situation. God gave me 10 confirmations that this whole situation, as dire as it may completely in His hands. I see myself sitting in his hands...surrounded by His ten fingers... I sit in the palm of His hands, surrounded by his peace...He gave me these ten things to comfort and bring me hope about my future and my destiny. He gave me these promises and warnings and feelings so that I could prepare my heart for this event in my life. This event that drives people to the point of death and despair, this even that leaves people broken and lost forever...God has given me a supernatural peace and an insane faith to take what seems to a bad situation and has shown me that no matter what I do, what I feel, where I go...God is in control and everything is going to be okay.

Most people take 12-18 months to really start healing from a traumatic situation like this. I thank God that I can say I am walking in that healing and my faith is being perfected through this. So I leave one final thought...right before the Sunday school trip, God lead me to a series of verses that revealed a huge message for me...for anyone really...

He IS our peace.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life...Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with you all...I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances...Therefore strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet so that you may not be disabled, but rather healed...Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you...I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety"


posted by Sarah W @ 9:38 PM   4 Comments

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

A Letter to Jessica, Re:Guitarded Out

Dear Jessica :

Remember how we played Guitar Hero 3 all Sunday morning? Amanda and Chris continued to play (while skipping church) and then we played all afternoon. We eventually beat the game on Easy, and it unlocked all these wonderful songs. Well, we started to play the game on Medium and we played a cumulative 10 hours between Saturday and Sunday, making progress and beating songs.

On Monday, the unthinkable happened. Someone turned off the Playstation while it was loading the memory card, and we lost ALL of our progress. Do you know how upset I was to come home and find that our band was gone and none of the songs we unlocked were up there anymore. We had to start from scratch. Every song, every level, everything was GONE. I'm so lost now...I don't even feel like playing that game anymore, and we all know thats the worst state of mind to be in.

Love,Sarah - the Low Carb Guitar Hero and possibly even a Ninja

posted by Sarah W @ 9:32 AM   0 Comments

The Love of Christ...

how good it is.
even in times of
no understanding.
and storms.
it remains.
even when hope
seems far away
it remains.

I am only human. And I don't pretend to understand it all. I step back from my life and take it all in. I step back and realize that I am not in control. I can feel God speaking to me in little things...I can feel Him as if He is right here.

I sat listening to worship music tonight and really thought about God. Just sat and concentrated on God. I imagined myself walking on a beach and God was in the ocean beckoning me to come to Him. I lift my hands and He parts the ocean and I walk towards him. Even as I write this, ironically I'm listening to the last song Shannon wrote before he died "...the ocean seems to beckon you, revealing things you thought you knew, creation moving effortlessly, by music you were meant to sing..." I stand amazed at how God seems to arrange divine appointments and moments...moments of true faith and understanding, moments where peace comes at you and you can't do anything but just breathe. I stand and realize that every moment and trial in my life was arranged and orchestrated specifically which moments in my life in mind.

I stand at a place in my life where I am literally clinging to each hope God has given me and begging that this understand I have started to attain stay close to me. This is the moment where I surrender all...

posted by Sarah W @ 12:20 AM   0 Comments