Monday, June 23, 2008

Am I as old as I feel?

Embracing my youth or in denial about how old I really am?

I am 25 years old with the experiences of an 80 year old. Most people will never have the walk the path I’ve walked until they are old and gray, but God chose me to go through this season for a purpose. Once the dust settled, I felt this resurgence of my youth flow through my veins. I want to be adventuresome and completely reckless. I want to embrace nature. Conquer the world. I feel an intense desire to play paintball and go fishing and go water tubing. I want to go rock climbing and swim with manatees. I want to go to concerts and enjoy parties.

So, I sit back and really have to ask myself am I really in denial about myself? I think that this new spirit to live of mine is really me trying to convince others and myself that I’m not really as old as I feel. Because when everyone leaves the house and I’m left alone to me and my thoughts, I feel like an old, gray-haired woman living in a one-bedroom house with 50 cats. Maybe not cats. But you get the picture. I feel like my bones are breaking and I’m slowly fading away and if I don’t do something right now, I will blow away with the wind.

I want so desperately not to feel like I am 100 years old. I want to feel my age. But I don’t. I feel like when I go to these concerts with people who aren’t that much younger than me, everyone around me is staring and thinking to themselves, “why is that old lady hanging out with those kids?” My friends reassure me that I’m not crazy, and I’m not old, but I can’t deny this overwhelming feeling I have. Everyone my age has settled down, gotten married, started families, but I have been thrown to the other end of the spectrum against my will and have been forced to go through the whole process once again.

And I’m learning a few surprising things about myself. Seriously, things I never realized about me.

a) I am a nature born social director. Amanda said it best. I can through together a party in no time and it is a fun time. I thrive on having as many random people around me as I can and doing the most random activities possible. From living room soccer to dance parties to cookouts, I love making people happy and connecting them with others.

b) My eyes are actually blue. Okay, let me go into that a little further. I know my eyes are blue, I’ve known that since I was, what 2? But, never in my life have so many people pointed out that my eyes are insanely blue. I think its because for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel the whole weight of the world on my shoulders and I feel…happy.

c) I don’t know who I am attracted to or not. This may sound silly, but for me this is something I really didn’t know about me. I never dated and Shannon was the first person to ever show interest in me, now when I am surrounded by single men, I really don’t know if I am actually attracted to them. I think about when I was younger and how I “fell in love” all the time with people, and now I constantly see beautiful qualities in several of my guy friends, but when it boils down to it, I don’t know if I could honestly say if I am attracted to any of them. I am all for giving everyone a shot, but I don’t really know if I am really attracted to any of them. I have thought that I am, but now I don’t really know. I ever took time to really pray about this subject Sunday, I asked God to shine a light into my heart and dissolve the confusion.

Trust me when I say that when you go through a traumatic life situation, all of the sudden you are put in a room by yourself and you have to re-meet and get to know who you really are. You have to embrace yourself, love yourself, and pray God helps others love you back through the transition. God is loving me through this season and putting amazing friends in my path to love me also. I feel like a crazy woman sometimes being torn apart from the inside, but at the end of the day, I know God’s making a way.

posted by Sarah W @ 2:38 PM   1 Comments

The Joys of Fishing

We went fishing on Friday night with David (aka the Fly Fishing Guide)...he took us "jugging", which is exactly what it sounds. A fishing line and hook attached to a jug. It was an awesome time of fellowship, starting at midnight and lasting until 7:30am or so. We only caught 3 fish (as David continually exclaims "I forgot there was a drought!"), but we had such a good time it didn't bother us at all.
Here's Bret taking his catfish on a walk...

Once we finished fishing this was the view we had at the end of the trip. 7:30am to be exact.

The sun had just started rising...

This is a picture I cherish. This is a friendship restored. One of my dearest friends from school to be exact, and God has blessed me (and my family) with the opportunity to spend time with him.

posted by Sarah W @ 9:15 AM   0 Comments

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Jessica Marie, a tribute

I walked into Mr. Henderson’s 10th grade American History Class with a feeling of excitement. I was entering into my 3rd year at Faith Christian School, hoping that the year would be more spectacular the previous two. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Jessica. She sat there with her black eye liner, black hair, and ball-chain necklace. Everyone flocked to Jessica because of her mysteriousness, her exotic-ness. She was from Texas, which was like a whole other world to us North Carolinians. She didn’t fit the typical Texan stereotype…no cowboy boots or hat, no twangy accent, no love for the country music. She was tall and skinny, and very unique.

The first few weeks of the year we really didn’t talk much. We had several classes together, but really never bonded. That is, until that one weekend where our lives changed forever.

Our chorus was singing at my church at a fall festival. The whole group loved going out and singing at other venues, and we were all really geared up about this concert. That night we sang out hearts out and gave a great performance. Afterwards most of the group hung out at the festival, and Jessica began what I like to call our random-dance-a-thon. We started cutting up and dancing and laughing and just having a great time. I looked at Jessica and asked her if she would like to spend the night at my house, and she agreed. (On a side note, her mother also pulled me aside that night with tears in her eyes, saying that it was the first time Jessica had actually looked happy in a long time). That weekend began a nonstop two-month party with Jessica and I. Every weekend we stayed at her house or mine, having fun, vandalizing the golf course, dancing, playing games.

In the years that followed we have shared our ups and down, our joy and hurts. I held her hand during nasty breakups. She held my hand when my mom told me she was getting re-married. I held her hand when her Pepaw died. She held my hand when I made the decision to move in with my mom. I held her hand when she got sick at ECU. She held my hand when I got married. I held her hand when she got married.

She held my hand after my husband died.

So today I wanted to celebrate the beauty, joy, humor, loyalty, grace, and overall awesomeness that is my Jessica. She has been a constant source of support and love through these ten years we’ve been together. My dad once looked at me and said “Sarah, Jessica is the one for you…the one friend that you will have for the rest of your life no matter what” and as we venture into each new season I am learning the validity of that statement. Jess, I am so proud of you and the woman you have become. I am proud of you marrying Lee and becoming a wonderful wife. I am proud of you for sticking it out at your job. I am proud of you for getting into nursing school. But most of all I am proud of you for being one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I love you Jursh.

posted by Sarah W @ 2:45 PM   0 Comments

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

90 Days Laters OR the Blehs vs. the Yeahs

Bleh : Shannons life insurance claim was denied which leaves me with this much in debt:
Funeral - $8,300
Hospital - $9,000
Existing medical - $6,000
Headstone - $2,000
Grand Total - $25,300

Yeah : I finally found some end tables for the living after searching for a year. At the Goodwill - $7.99 each. They aint perfect, they are good enough for me!

Bleh : I have gained a whopping 20 pounds. Superman had kryptonite and I have Krispy Kreme. I can’t stay on any kind of diet because of this magical dough disk. I try, but I have a goal now and a vision to deny my urges to eat the Krispy Kreme. Lord help me.

Yeah : I discovered how to make my eyes look dazzlingly blue via Almay eye shadow and Covergirl Super-Plumper Eye Mascara.

Bleh : I am extremely lonely and always in the mood to cuddle, but no one will cuddle with me…because for some reason the guy friends I have in Rocky Mount seem to equate cuddling with some kind of sexual act.

Yeah : I finally got a bird. Onslow, the most amazing Cockatiel ever. I thought he was going to go back to the petstore because of how mean he was, but he has started perching on our fingers and sitting on our shoulders. He loves disco music, my hair, and fruit loops, and hates the color pink.

Bleh : After 3 years of trying to conceive, my body plays a cruel, mean trick on me and ovulates 3 months in a row…what the crap.

Yeah : I’m moving in 57 days… a new job, a new life, a new place to live, a new microwave, a new zip code, a new state…a new start (and let me just say that daily I grow to love my new bosses more and more, and I am blown away by the caliber of their characters)

Just thought everyone would like to know whats been going on.

posted by Sarah W @ 1:44 PM   1 Comments