Monday, April 14, 2008

Oh where oh where has my self esteem gone?

I made a horrid discovery last week. I, Sarah Webb, who once has self confidence, found myself staring down at my life discovering that my self esteem has disappeared. Its true. All of the sudden my self esteem went and hid somewhere far from my sight. I spent years building up my love of myself...I am not talking about a selfish, conceited love...but an appreciation of who I am - as a person, an employee, a wife, a sister, etc.

I had a rough childhood. From the very beginning I did not fit in with my peers. I was always overweight. I hit puberty in the 4th grade, leaving me as the awkward kid in my class...the one who had acne and the one who was "fat". If that didn't make things worse my nose definitely took the cake on making me an oddball. My nose was huge, and my face not huge with it. I suffered through the taunts of other kids calling me "big nose" and picking on me because I wore hand-me-downs. Through these tough years I became increasingly self-critical of my appearance. I cringed when I looked in the mirror begging God to make me beautiful, or at least pretty enough that the other kids wouldn't pick on me. I cried on more than one occasion when the boys in the class made fun of me, when all I wanted was a boyfriend.

This total self-hatred followed me through high school and eventually subsided when I hit college. At least in college I surrounded by other misfits and I didn't feel so left out. It was only when I expressed my affection for my best guy friend and he turned it around to ask out my best was only then that I truly discovered that I hated being me.

All the years of sitting on the sidelines and being the oddball. I felt ugly. I looked ugly. And this view of my self overflowed into my life, making my attitude unbearable. In truth these self-hatred kept me from ever really drawing near to God. I blamed Him for all the taunts and the loneliness.

Eventually after I met Shannon, I became more settled in who I was. Learning that if someone could love my faults, I could love my faults. I had finally forgave God for making me this horrid creature and really started to love myself.

But things change, Shannon dies. I'm stuck again thinking about how much I hate seeing myself. I look in the mirror and critique my appearance nonstop. I feel myself crawling back into the shell that I discarded years ago...falling back into old habits. So now, I am coming to a place of recognition that I have a problem. My self-esteem is disappearing and I need to do something about it.

Then wise-Nolan comes into the pictures and gives me a pep talk...he tells me that I don't need to care what other people think about me...that if my attitude shows that I love myself, other people will love me too. It was simple truths and yet it spoke volumes into what I was feeling. And from that moment I felt like I started to mend this broken self-esteem of mine. I am slowly realizing that my beauty is from the inside out and that the light of Christ in me makes me the most beautiful person in the world. I have gone into the valley only to re-emerge and find beauty in what I thought was lost. I know that I don't have to fret about how people view me. God holds my future and my destiny in His hands, and He arrange who I am to meet, and eventually be with. Its this time now that I am being beckoned to come forth and really seek God and find Him. In light of this new declaration of my purpose, I went and bought the book Rachel read "Don't waste your life". I read the first chapter and was immediately alerted to the fact that this book will change my life...This book will encourage me to make the most of myself. This book will teach me how to live again...

Self-esteem is a very precious lesson to learn and to practice. Having a positive self-image impacts your life is so many ways. You never realize it though, until its missing and you sit writing your blog trying to grasp and re-learn the art of loving oneself.

This is Sarah Webb. And she is one sexy beast...remember that. Because sometimes she may need reminding...

posted by Sarah W @ 10:44 PM  


  • At 9:59 AM , Blogger Kara said...

    LOOK AT YOU SEXY MAMA!!!! I LOVE YOUR NEW HAIR CUT!!!! MAN YOU LOOK HOT!!! Sarah you are so many things to so many people! I went through some stuff the other day and I found a STACK of cards from YOU! Some were hand made with love. The others, words of love filled them from cover to cover! You are such an awesome friend, encourager, sister, most of all your my FAVORITE SARAH EVER!!!!!

  • At 6:18 PM , Blogger ilovestargate said...

    sarah you are a sexy beast. i love you :)

  • At 11:39 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    My Sarah,

    You are so much more beautiful than you have ever given yourself credit for. You always have been.

    To see you is to love you, because you are an awesome creation of God, and a blessing to our family. Not only are you gorgeous on the outside, but you are highly intelligent and beautiful on the inside.

    I love you so much more than you can ever comprehend.




Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home