Sarah (pron. Say `Ruh) (n) def: Queen of Lynchburg, Tetris Master, Diva, Dreamer.

364 Days ago I sat around with my family, who went around in a circle and said what they wanted to see happen in the next year.

Two big things were echoed over and over:
1) That we would have a baby
2) That Shannon would have a healthier year

Here we are 364 days later and God has indirectly, kinda, sorta answered those prayers. This has been the best year, health wise, for Shannon. He has only had one pancreatic attack (PRAISE GOD) and he has been of sounder mind.

The baby thing hasn't happened, and I can choose to be sad about that OR I can CHOOSE to be excited about something different...Laura and Lee have asked Shannon and I to be Ryan (the little Lions) godparents. It is such a privilege and blessing to have friends who love us enough to entrust us with that title...so we are no longer Uncle Shannon and Aunt Sarah to Ryan, we are now Godpapa Shannon and Godmama Sarah. I think its awesome to have a godchild...in a way it brings some peace to my heart.

So everyone have a happy thanksgiving...don't eat too much and try to excercise!!!!

Well to date I've lost 42 pounds. When I began I was wearing size 22s really tight (and 24s more comfortabley) and now I can safely say that half my pants are size 14s and the rest still 16s....but HEY that is an incredible achievement and I'm really happy with the results. I wish that the weight loss would happen a little faster, but it has been slow and steady so hopefully that means I won't gain it all back at one time when I get off the diet. I read that people w/ PCOS have a higher risk for developing diabetes due to the underlying insulin resistance, so I believe this low carb, low fat way of life might be sticking around for a long time.

I start decorating for Christmas. I love Christmas. It's one of my favorite holidays. I have put up my little lighted Christmas Village. We hung the stocking with care in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there... (whoops) No, but we did hang up our stockings and were happy for add the third stocking for Sampson...

That does lead me into a funny little blurp about that dog.

Every year at COTRs fall festival I adopt a stuffed animal or two. This year I adopted a Skunk Beanie Baby name Bobo and a Plush Hawk (that actually screeches) named Apollo. Now, Bobo has been put up and out of sight, but for some unknown reason, Sampson has been hunting Apollo. I keep putting Apollo up in places that I think he can't get to him, and sure enough minutes later there's Sampson giving me that "oh mom please can I keep him" look with Apollo sticking out of the side of his mouth. Apollo used to be this plush soft stuffed animal, but not anymore. He is prickly and crackly feeling b/c of all the times that Sampson has tried to eat him. I will not be surprised if I get home tonight and Apollo is on the floor again. I keep telling Sampson "no", but he doesn't listen to me.

Apart from Sampson's mischievious ways...Shannon and I are having the great christmas tree debate. I want to put the tree up NOW and him after Thanksgiving. I have given him several good reasons why now is the better time, but he keeps saying "tradition"! (Like Repteviah on Fiddler on the Roof har har)...so leave me a comment and let me know what you think about the great christmas tree debate...

30 days and counting since I got the phone call that has put things into frightening perspective.

I haven't been ready to talk about it up until now, but I think in "healing" this hole in my heart that I'm currently in denial about I have to talk about it.

We have been trying to have a baby for 30 months. I have taken some fun drugs that were supposed to make me "work", but the sad realization came that for some reason, my body doesn't respond to these drugs. So my Dr. in the attempt to not "waste any more time" (which is what the nurse said verbatim) decided I needed to go see "the specialist" aka Dr. pay-for-all-the-tests-out-of-pocket-and-fun-procedures-too". At this point we take a step back and ask ourselves...1) can we afford it? 2) is it worth it? 3) do we solely trust God with this?

I think option 3 is what we are going with. But in trusting God you have to confront all your own personal demons and struggles, fears and insecurities, you have to learn to live with things you can't control and situations you can't change. You have to learn to deal with watching countless people live the dream you so desperately want to live.

The toughest thing for me is church and walmart. Both places I walk in and immediately am surrounded by people w/ babies, teenagers w/ babies, foreigners with their 6 kids and pregnant, parents screaming obscenities at their children, pregnant teenagers...and it makes me want to scream. I truly and honestly do not understand how a God that loves me so, could let some 14 year old get pregnant and not hear the prayer that we have offered up.

So I started thinking...someone once told me that if you ask for bread God will not give you a stone. So that got me thinking about the whole concept of praying for something specific and God not answering that prayer or answering the prayer in a totally unusual way. I have asked for bread and God has given me a stone...what kind of stone? For the sake of this argument I'm going to say it was some coal...I have asked for Rosemary Basil Foccacia Bread and he has given me a lump of coal. BUT in asking for this delicious Foccacia bread, God has put me through the fire. I have walked through the fire and I was not consumed...but in walking through this fire, guess what...my useless lump of coal has turned itself into a beautiful diamond. A diamond is more precious and more valuable than bread...but when my stomach is growling and I'm hungry, bread is what satisfies...not a diamond.

So you have to be like the woman at the well who was given the "living water"...it didn't quench her physical thirst, but her spiritual thirst, and like this situation, what God has given me won't satisfy my physical hunger, but will satisfy me spiritually.

So, I thank God that he has taken the time to let me go through all this suffering...it is purifying me and making my faith stronger. And right now as I stand and face up to possibly a life where I will never feel my own child kick within my belly, or never watch my husband's face as the Dr. says "its a boy/girl"...I have to remember that God is more in control of things than me and He sees the total picture where I only see the "now".

I do so desperately want to be a mother. I want to have those experiences and to be able to see pieces of me and pieces of Shannon imprinted on our child's face. I want to be able to give baths, and go walking at the park, and take pictures with our baby. God knows this...

So I just have to trust...

I don't like talking about this situation any more. It makes me sad when I think about it all...so we just don't talk about it anymore. We look forward to alternate things to do...adoption, foster care, etc. Whatever happens God will lead us.