Sarah (pron. Say `Ruh) (n) def: Queen of Lynchburg, Tetris Master, Diva, Dreamer.

30 days and counting since I got the phone call that has put things into frightening perspective.

I haven't been ready to talk about it up until now, but I think in "healing" this hole in my heart that I'm currently in denial about I have to talk about it.

We have been trying to have a baby for 30 months. I have taken some fun drugs that were supposed to make me "work", but the sad realization came that for some reason, my body doesn't respond to these drugs. So my Dr. in the attempt to not "waste any more time" (which is what the nurse said verbatim) decided I needed to go see "the specialist" aka Dr. pay-for-all-the-tests-out-of-pocket-and-fun-procedures-too". At this point we take a step back and ask ourselves...1) can we afford it? 2) is it worth it? 3) do we solely trust God with this?

I think option 3 is what we are going with. But in trusting God you have to confront all your own personal demons and struggles, fears and insecurities, you have to learn to live with things you can't control and situations you can't change. You have to learn to deal with watching countless people live the dream you so desperately want to live.

The toughest thing for me is church and walmart. Both places I walk in and immediately am surrounded by people w/ babies, teenagers w/ babies, foreigners with their 6 kids and pregnant, parents screaming obscenities at their children, pregnant teenagers...and it makes me want to scream. I truly and honestly do not understand how a God that loves me so, could let some 14 year old get pregnant and not hear the prayer that we have offered up.

So I started thinking...someone once told me that if you ask for bread God will not give you a stone. So that got me thinking about the whole concept of praying for something specific and God not answering that prayer or answering the prayer in a totally unusual way. I have asked for bread and God has given me a stone...what kind of stone? For the sake of this argument I'm going to say it was some coal...I have asked for Rosemary Basil Foccacia Bread and he has given me a lump of coal. BUT in asking for this delicious Foccacia bread, God has put me through the fire. I have walked through the fire and I was not consumed...but in walking through this fire, guess what...my useless lump of coal has turned itself into a beautiful diamond. A diamond is more precious and more valuable than bread...but when my stomach is growling and I'm hungry, bread is what satisfies...not a diamond.

So you have to be like the woman at the well who was given the "living water"...it didn't quench her physical thirst, but her spiritual thirst, and like this situation, what God has given me won't satisfy my physical hunger, but will satisfy me spiritually.

So, I thank God that he has taken the time to let me go through all this suffering...it is purifying me and making my faith stronger. And right now as I stand and face up to possibly a life where I will never feel my own child kick within my belly, or never watch my husband's face as the Dr. says "its a boy/girl"...I have to remember that God is more in control of things than me and He sees the total picture where I only see the "now".

I do so desperately want to be a mother. I want to have those experiences and to be able to see pieces of me and pieces of Shannon imprinted on our child's face. I want to be able to give baths, and go walking at the park, and take pictures with our baby. God knows this...

So I just have to trust...

I don't like talking about this situation any more. It makes me sad when I think about it all...so we just don't talk about it anymore. We look forward to alternate things to do...adoption, foster care, etc. Whatever happens God will lead us.