Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Another year older, another year wiser (literally)

I am now officially 26. I have dreaded this age since I was 20. For some reason in my head, being 26 is the sign that you are on a slow descent to 30. That your youth and freedom is slowly stripping away and you are in fact, an adult.

The past few days leading up to this event have been less than pleasant. I have experienced what can only be described as a drought in my life - both spiritually and relationally. The friends who have surrounded me nonstop for months literally disappeared for the last two weeks. And this in combination with the dread I faced turning 26 lead to a severe depression. It culminated in a day where I got into an argument with a friend and then was sobbing my eyes out, wishing I was dead, and driving to the cemetery to just be near Shannon. I am not exaggerating when I said that I wished I were dead. I am not suicidal, but I truly wanted to just not exist. I looked back at the last few months and realized that I was an adult and that my child like nature was slowly slipping away. I felt like I was alone and that I had been abandoned by everything and everyone I held dear.

Not only did I feel this heaviness in my relationships, I have literally struggled to find commonplace with God. I felt like He was quiet and that I had been "sinning" so much that I was the one who was removing myself from His presence. My mouth has been let loose and I have not guarded the wholesomeness of my tongue. I was feeling a million miles away from God and from everyone around me...and all because I was turning 26.

God uses people in our lives to redirect paths that seem to be broken. He speaks through them when we are too deaf to clearly hear His voice. He uses these people to point us back to Him and to help us re-establish a true, genuine relationship with Christ. This person has been a influence to me, not because of the sterling life they live, but because of the challenge they have placed before me to really seek after God with everything.

So, in turning 26 and thinking about everything that has transpired in the last year, I can say with all confidence that God has indeed given me a good dose of wisdom these past five months. He has taken me to the very brink of losing everything, to the point where His hand is the only thing that keeps me suspended from certain death below. God has shown me His power and His authority. He has shown me His love in words I could never begin to say. And with one simple phrase.

I am loved.

No matter what happens now or in the future, I am loved. No matter how alone I feel, I am loved. No matter how far away from God I may be, I am loved.

My life is not perfect and it won't ever be, but I know going forward that whatever I face, I am loved. God's love never fails. God's love is not conditional. God's love is eternal. His love can sometimes bring us to a very painful process, but nonetheless, His love brought us to that place and it will bring us through that place.

I am now 26, and I feel like today when the clock struck 12:01am, I entered into a new season in my life. A season of maturity. A season of restoration. A season of hope. I can see God on the horizon, making my mountains move. I see the Son rising and my heart beginning to sing. God is going to take these broken wings that I have carried and make me fly again. So these are my committments for this year...

I am committed to you, My God and King. To do Your will, to go where You send me, to speak Your words. You are my passion and my purpose. To worship you, I live.
I am committed to my future husband. I am guarding my purity and my love closely. I know one day we'll be together and my gift to you will be my heart, my whole heart...without blemish, shame, or sadness. You will be my joy and my song.
I am committed to my friends. I hope that you will see me as a light when your sky starts to darken. I will try to be the rock for you when you feel broken. I will love you when you feel like no one else has the capacity to love.
I am committed to life. To living each day with Joy, Patience, and Beauty. To walk through this world that seems so ugly at times, but not only walk, but to Dance. To dance without fear. To dance without reservation. To dance with pure Joy. To laugh. To sing. To be free.

I think that I am starting out my 26th year of life on the right track...

posted by Sarah W @ 12:05 AM  


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