Friday, May 30, 2008

The realities of losing your husband –OR- Momma said there’d be days like this

I remember sitting in a dark room, bawling my eyes out, looking at Amanda and quite clearly stating, “I can handle it if Shannon dies, I’m just going to be very lonely” and Amanda quietly replying, “Sarah, I know”.

So that’s where I am. Lonely. Very depressingly lonely.

I am acting like a person with a mental issue lately…cycling from happy to wanting to die-sad. And while I feel like my friends love me, I don’t really feel it lately…only a handful of them have shown me that they continually support and love me.

I loved being married. Let me clarify, I loved being a wife. I loved the responsibility of taking care of my husband and my home, of building an amazing relationship with another person, of supporting his career. I miss having that confidant to talk to on a daily basis…a person who knows all your fears, insecurities, joys, pains, struggles. I miss having arms wrap around you after a hard day and you feel the love radiating from their body. I miss random sweet kisses on my forward and love letters that popped up around the house. I miss smiles from a person at the very moment they catch a glimpse of your face. I hate feeling lonely, I hate being alone. I hate not having someone that fully loves and appreciates me.

So to say the least, I am struggling. I am finally admitting that I am human, and even though God has shown me miles of amazing lessons, I am now in what seems like a vast valley, walking alone, and completely unhappy with things. I know this is all very normal grieving things I am dealing with, but it is still a miserable place to be…being lonely.

posted by Sarah W @ 9:05 AM  

39 Comments:

  • At 12:25 PM , Blogger The New Mrs. Rue said...

    Sarah, please Please tell me what i can do. I think about you often, but I don't know what to do or what to say. know that we love you & will do anything in our power for you.

     
  • At 1:15 PM , Blogger Kara said...

    You amaze me. God has given you such an awesome description of words for your feelings. As much as you want this period of grief to be over know that it has only been just at three months. Although it seems like an eternity to you its only been a short time. I hurt for you and can't imagine the ache that you feel to a magnitude that no one else understands. I am so proud of you that you are allowing yourself to feel these things. A lot of people would just say that it is toooooo painful and sweep it under the rug...but YOU...your FATHER has given you, his BEAUTIFUL daughter, this unbelievable understanding of emotions. One of the reasons that it hurts so bad to lose Shannon is because you guys had a love SO great! He truly loved you like Christ loved the church, and there is no doubt that your love for him was/is UNEXPLAINABLE! Sarah I love you! I had a friend that when I was sad would always say… “If I flash you will that make you feel better???” I will if you need me to! The pools finally open hop on a plane & fly up this way!

     
  • At 4:40 PM , Blogger American Mum said...

    I'm sorry, Sarah. I hope the pain lessons with time.

     
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