Sunday, May 11, 2008

Contentment...


One New Years eve I sat in a group of 10 people and proclaimed my resolution was going to be finding contentment no matter WHAT the circumstances were. In growing up in church, I should've known that you don't make a statement like that because God will slowly and painfully teach you this lesson.

As I look on the past few months I see the hand of God still directing my life and my paths. After Shannon died and all that followed, I thought I was initially handling it well. I see now that I was handling it "ok" but still going through the process of grieving.

1. Shock - I walked around like a zombie for 21 days exactly. That was the time that I refer to as "when my brain was turned off". I don't remember much except either laughing really hard or crying even harder. There were intense dance parties and guitar hero games...and intense bouts of sobbing, sitting at the computer thinking about Shannon.
2. On day 22 I entered into denial. I was in denial that I was actually grieving. I thought that I was done and over with the grieving and that I was in the healing process, but lo and behold...
3. I was angry all the time. I was angry driving, I was angry working, I was angry going to the Walmart. I could seem to stop being angry about everything...money, work, dirty house, etc.
4. And then I was depressed...I was depressed because I was alone. I was depressed because my life was good the way it was. I was depressed because my self esteem disappeared and I struggled to see the beauty that is me.
5. Acceptance...

This is the point where God gently reminds me of my goal of contentment. I can't change the circumstances of what happened with Shannon or the aftermath of it all, but I can change the way that I handle day to day struggles and decisions. When I realized this it was like God unlocked a place in my heart that had been idle for the 2 1/2 months. With every thought and decision I have been reminded that ultimately, God IS IN CONTROL.

Now, I have actively started applying this principle to my life. One of the first things that hit me was the whole concept of dating. Dating. Scary.

Everyone knows that I never dated. It was Shannon and thats it. I wanted to date, and I spent many nights crying because of my lack dating-ness...but God put us together and clearly He had purpose and a plan for our union, and Shannon and I touched alot of people with our love and our testimony. So when I think about the scariness of dating now, and the corruption of our men of God's minds in the whole area of women...I started to freak out. I began comparing myself with every single woman around me and pointing our all my serious flaws. I began obsessing with thinking about how guys see me...physically and personality.

Then God once again gently reminded me that even in this area, I needed to learn to be content. He told me after Shannon died that there was someone else out there for me, but I needed to be patient. I sat and looked at my life and looked at how good was God is to me, I realized that I needed to stop focusing on this area and just put it in His hands. So I have given this area up...the area of my future family. Which made me realize...

This is my 4th Mothers Day being childless. Normally I would've shut myself away and wished the day would pass, but I see this as the Mothers Day that gives me momentary glimpses of God's promises...the promises of Ruth and my life restored.

Back to contentment...God will never give you more than you can handle. But He may give you a situation that will stretch and strengthen you so that you can be more flexible and stronger so you can handle it. In my life, I became complacent in my walk with Christ and it took losing my hsuband to really open my eyes that if I want to live the best life possible I have to give God every area of my life and live in the contentment and peace that God is IN CONTROL. Not me. God is showing me that He has given me a rare and beautiful gift...

I am a 25 year old woman who has learned the lessons of biblical submission as a wife, embodying the proverbs woman in every way, loyalty, strength, joy, the ability to laugh no matter how tough something is, a beautiful marriage that did not last long but still was insanely happy & beautiful, the ability to love myself for all the beauty that God created (because technically I was created in His image) and he's given me the gift of my youth...

I have this rare gift of youth...I have been equipped with knowledge and strength, and now I have the chance to do something with my life. I went to a college graduation this weekend and at that moment I decided that this is what I wanted...I wanted to walk down that field and get my college diploma. This has been my clearest goal yet...something I'm willing to work to make it happen. So as my new life begins to unfold I am excited that God has given me the opportunity to start a new, awesome job, go back to college, and focus of what God wants to do with me. I am content finally with my life and where its going.

Contentment. Thank you Lord for this precious lesson you have taught. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been enjoyable. But you have taken this lump of coal that is my life, put it through the fire and I present to you beautiful diamonds.

***on a side note. A preacher once spoke over me that "the joy of the Lord would be my strength". I hadn't thought about that in years. But as I am getting to know my new bosses, I began to realize that I am probably the most random, complex, and random (emphasis on random) person I know. But its awesome you know? I was created in God's image and He made me this way...I really hadn't thought about it though...the random singing, whistling of the Indiana Jones theme song, my love of Quantum Leap, random facts, love of Nintendo, playing dress up...if you can't laugh at me its okay, I laugh at myself on a daily basis.

posted by Sarah W @ 8:31 PM  

1 Comments:

  • At 7:35 AM , Blogger American Mum said...

    That is an excellent goal. And good on you for taking practical steps to reach it! Still thinking about you a lot. Email me sometime!

     

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