My brain is finally saying goodbye...
I noticed starting Wednesday that I was functioning alot more normal, and less "zombie-like". Up until this point it felt like the clock was going in slow motion, and yet the next day it felt like the previous day had flown by. Then I had my first non-Lazarus Shannon dream.
Yesterday, I went and talked to a Christian Counselor. He pulls out his grief counselling booklet and starts asking me a bunch of questions that I had already asked myself. I explained to him about going through infertility treatments and the knowledge I had gained from that experience, and then I explained all the wonderful things that came out of this situation -all the miracles God performed. Then I told him about the confirmations that God had given me on my life being in His complete control and how God was going to use me in this situation. After all was said and done, the counsellor said that he felt like I was doing good...that I was knowledgeable on the grieving process and he just reminded to watch for certain things. Even when he wrote down the stages of grief (numbness, denial, anger, depression, grieving) he said he didn't know which one I was in...I think that I am stuck in between depression and grieving. Most people take months to get through each one, but I can tell you the day that I went through each...There are days that I hit some of these over and over, but for the most part I think God is healing my heart and my mind now, and I'm starting to grieve.
Then last night, I had another dream. A dream where I was fully aware that Shannon was dead and my dream was me living life. I think that was my signal that my brain was finally saying goodbye...a dream where Shannon wasn't sick or coming back from the dead, but this dream I was fully aware that he was dead and not coming back.
I know there will be good days and bad days on his road ahead. But God has made it very clear to me in so many ways, to lean on Him, because He's the one directing my paths.
Yesterday, I went and talked to a Christian Counselor. He pulls out his grief counselling booklet and starts asking me a bunch of questions that I had already asked myself. I explained to him about going through infertility treatments and the knowledge I had gained from that experience, and then I explained all the wonderful things that came out of this situation -all the miracles God performed. Then I told him about the confirmations that God had given me on my life being in His complete control and how God was going to use me in this situation. After all was said and done, the counsellor said that he felt like I was doing good...that I was knowledgeable on the grieving process and he just reminded to watch for certain things. Even when he wrote down the stages of grief (numbness, denial, anger, depression, grieving) he said he didn't know which one I was in...I think that I am stuck in between depression and grieving. Most people take months to get through each one, but I can tell you the day that I went through each...There are days that I hit some of these over and over, but for the most part I think God is healing my heart and my mind now, and I'm starting to grieve.
Then last night, I had another dream. A dream where I was fully aware that Shannon was dead and my dream was me living life. I think that was my signal that my brain was finally saying goodbye...a dream where Shannon wasn't sick or coming back from the dead, but this dream I was fully aware that he was dead and not coming back.
I know there will be good days and bad days on his road ahead. But God has made it very clear to me in so many ways, to lean on Him, because He's the one directing my paths.
posted by Sarah W @ 9:23 AM
3 Comments:
At 12:11 PM ,
wisecrew said...
I bet when you started this blog site and named it faith like a mountain you had no idea how HIGH your mountain was going to take you. You continue to amaze me with your willingness to submit to God in every area of your life. God has used you in awesome ways...and will continue to because you TRULY are willing to be a FISHERwoMAN!!! :) love you...
At 2:20 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Sarah,
I stand in awe of how you have allowed the Holy Spirit to comfort you and how you have not wavered from your trust in God.
Of course Mamma's will worry...but I can tell you that you have impressed me with the way that you are handling this life changing event, and just to let you know, I am learning some of life's pearls through you.
I also have thought about how Shannon would want you to handle this...I know that he would want you to be happy and not sad. You have grown up into quite a woman of God and I am so proud of you.
I love you more than words could ever say and I am always here for you when you need me.
Love - Mamma
At 6:13 AM ,
Crystal's Elite Dance Studio said...
Sarah, I read your blogs, and you are on my mind constantly. My heart aches because we miss Shannon, and I wish that I could ease the pain that you're going through. I am a fixer, and just can't fix it. I don't like that. But please know that you are on my mind and in my heart always. I pray for you constantly, and I can't wait to see what amazing things God has in store for you. Love you lots!
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