Wednesday, March 12, 2008

"to dream the impossible dream..."

And the dreams go on...like clockwork every other night I'm dreaming about Shannon and different outcomes that I wish could happen.

Three nights ago I dreamed that Shannon was sent to an Amish hospital and he was getting better. I remember going into his room and him talking and smiling and e tlling him all about the wonderful things that had happened while he was in the hospital, like his nephews visiting and his son coming to see him. Most of all I was able to say "I love you" and hear it back with a smile.

Last night I dreamed that Shannon had been dead for a couple of days and he was still in the hospital room. I accidentally nudged his head with my foot and he started breathing very slowly. I looked at the Drs and asked them if that was just a muscle reaction and they said that it was, and then Shannon opened his eyes and said something like, "I'm really breathing!"... they went into action putting him into the bed and giving him some oxygen. And again I looked at him and I said "I love you" and he said it back to me with a smile. The rest of the dream were people visiting him and looking at him in awe of his Lazarus experience.

The most recurrent thing I'm feeling is that my subconscious or God or something is having Dream-Shannon tell me he loves me. I think its either because I need to hear it or its because the last thing my husband and I exchanged over the phone before, the very last thing he responded to me about, was me complaining about the dog pooping on the floor and getting very angry. I wish to God that when I got to the hospital, Shannon had been conscious enough that I could've at least told him I loved him and he could've understood what I was saying.

My mind is a rollercoaster. I'm functioning okay one minute and then the next I just want to crumple on the floor and not get up. I keep asking myself if Shannon can see me, what would he want me to be doing? Then I tell myself that Shannon is in heaven, fishing with Jesus and his Grandfather and that he's not sick, not mentally unbalanced, and he's happy.

But my heart still isn't happy. I miss my best friend.

Oh and a few posts back when I talked about the whole baby thing and the irony of dates. I figured out that when Shannon died we had been trying for a baby for 34 almost 35 months, and Shannon would've been 35 in a few weeks. Thats God's sense of humor giving me one last thing to "laugh" at about the whole baby thing.

I need some prayer. Specifically that God would help me to be content through all this and to find joy in life. Even though its hard to imagine life without Shannon.

posted by Sarah W @ 9:06 AM  

5 Comments:

  • At 10:34 AM , Blogger American Mum said...

    We're praying for you. Shannon knew you loved him, dog poop and all. Just take it one day at a time.

     
  • At 1:39 PM , Blogger Stewarts said...

    Well, you know that there is life after death. God knows what you need and sometimes he uses dreams to clarify things or bring closure. You are beginning phase 3 (1-life before Shannon, 2-life with Shannon). God's purpose for Shannon alive here is through, but we continue to feel and see his impact. The old cliché is true...God isn't finished with you, yet, Sarah! We're here for the next phase of the journey.

     
  • At 3:50 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    You don't know me but I am praying for you. You are loves and lifted more than you will ever know. When you feel crumply, know that moment has been prayed for.

     
  • At 8:48 AM , Blogger wisecrew said...

    You were the best thing that ever happened to Shannon! You know behind ever good man is an even GREATER woman! You were his. I love the fact of how you embrace the dreams God gives you and work through them. That is part of the healing. I know after my dad passed I wanted to mourn and be done with the whole crying, being sad, not being able to finish my thoughts, only 1/2 functioning thing. But it does take time because you loved soooo deeply. Those dreams that you are having will one day be a thing to look back on and see the healing in them as well as how they will minister to others. I can say with radiant certainty that you are going to make it through the healing process but it will take some time. Just remember through all of it you are LOVED more than you could possibly know. God has strategically placed people, both known and unknown, in your world to minister to you in AWESOME ways...Ways only your Daddy God can! I love you! -Kara

     
  • At 4:17 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Sarah after a great loss myself the lord sent my husband to me and he visited me in the dreams for a season and one day he told me he could not come anymore. When we have truly loved someone that love does not die, just because their flesh is not present,they can still hear and we can speak. I know God is permitting some healing words to pass to you from the very heart of Shannon. Not through his mouth but through his very soul and spirit. What a Great Lord we serve to pour in the Balm of Gilead, when we are in such pain.Remember you can share anything right now you care to. You are not crazy or off the charts but you are in the place where the lord talks about when we are so close to him when we have a broken heart and a crushed spirit. We tend to hear things more clearly during a time like this. God Bless you Sarah.Love Jeannie Hunter ps one day i will share more right now i just want to encourage you that Shannon knows you are sorry you were fussy he would have been too if the situation had been reversed and guess what somehow he would be comforted to. The Holy Spirit is a true comforter and will do what ever it takes to bring you peace in all this

     

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