Saturday, March 08, 2008

So Far...

Its 2:43am and I am suffering from vivid dreaming followed by intense insomnia. I cannot sleep. I cannot get comfortable enough to sleep. I just sit with my eyes wide open.

The dreams I had were incredibly vivid. I first dreamed that Shannon was home from the hospital, but he still had all the tubes attached to him. I dreamed he looked at me and said "after my shower I'm going down to the snack bar". I touched his face and I said to him "its nice being with Jesus, right?" and he just smiled really big and nodded, so I started removing the tubes and ventilator from him one by one and I just remember him smiling really big and closing his eyes. Then I dreamed that the Dr was saying they were going to remove him from the ventilator and I would be able to experience it with him...they hooked the machine up through me and I remember feeling Shannon's heart beating and slowing down and eventually coming to a stop. The Drs said, "Sarah, his heart has stopped, but you have a strong heart and you will keep going".

I think I needed that first dream just for me to see his face one more time and for me to see him smiling. But now its hitting me just how much I miss him. I sat here in my insomnia induced thinking wishing I could feel him kiss me one more time and thinking how much I just want to feel hold me one more time. I feel like my heart is absolutely breaking and I can't do a thing about it.

posted by Sarah W @ 2:43 AM  


  • At 3:50 AM , Blogger American Mum said...

    Oh, Sarah. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've never lost anyone through death, but I did lost someone I loved very dearly out of my life very suddenly. The dreams were the best and worst part.

    If you were here, I'd put your insomnia to work and YOU could play with Chloe in the middle of the night when she doesn't want to sleep. :)

  • At 8:09 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I remember dreaming very vivd dreams when my mother died for a long time after her death. The dreams eventually subsided. Your heart is breaking. That shows just how much you loved Shannon and how much he loved you. That is a tribute. Your experiences are very common and natural. Please know that you are dearly loved by so many people. Your pain is all of our pain. Please let us help you carry it. We desperately need each other to make it, Sarah. We need you. You need to let us walk through this with you so we can be family for each other. I know you would do the same for us. We are the Body of Christ.
    Love to you,
    Kenny & Janice Sumner

  • At 4:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Sarah...of all the places that we have lived I have never seen a husband love a wife like he loved you. He loved you SO much and I know if he could he would reach down and touch you and kiss you one last time. I pray that God will continue to give you peaceful dreams that will help you be able to grieve what you are missing about Shannon but also dreams that help you rejoice all the wonderful things that he has taught you and reminders of why you are who you are because of Shannon. He was a man who taught so many people just through his love, touch, smile, music. Thank you for being the type of wife that allowed him to be who God created him to be. YOU ARE AN AWESOME WIFE!!! I love you Sarah! -Kara


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