It all begins with a dream...
This has been an incredible year to say the least.
2. not credible; hard to believe ; unbelievable.
I began this year with the prayer / intention of being content in whatever happens. I did not expect God to literally take my world and turn it upside down and inside out. Through all that has happened throug this year (and things that have poured over from previous years) I have several thoughts that have brought me peace and several thoughts that have brought me to edge of life and questioned my existence and purpose through all of this.
We tried to have a baby for three years with no luck. Looking back that first month coming off of birth control, I realize now I was probably more pregnant than I originally thought. All the signs and symptoms and a positive test...but in the end no baby. This week I thought of that first month and realized that if things had turned out the way I wanted them too I would be holding my Josiah and he would be turning 3 next month. This realization nearly knocked the wind out of me, especially magnified by the fact that almost all my friends will be having babies this year (two are pregnant, one is probably pregnant and I just don't know, one is planning on being pregnant, and one is going to get pregnant-in faith we are claiming). I realized that even through everything I've gone through, my desire to be a mother still lingers in the back of my heart. The desire to be a mother was buried deep within my heart by the process of grieving. I began to feel a insurgence of grief welling up in my throat as I thought about this. I started to feel almost a frustration and anger with God over how this whole situation unfolded before me. I began to mourn the loss of the children I would never know with my husband. My heart became heavy and I started to feel that familiar depression overshadowing me.
What have I done to deserve this journey? Why me? Was is not enough that my life was completely disheveled and uprooted in all ways. I have asked these questions before and answered them quite intelligently in my head, but answering these heavy questions in your head sometimes doesn't make your heart understand it all the same. And in my desperation to find the answers once more, it hit me.
It all begins with a dream...
Speaking literally, I had a dream where I was married and I felt such a thrill from finding someone and feeling the warmth of their love radiating within my heart. I cannot make a goal to be remarried, BUT I can dream the dream of finding love again. I have had countless dreams where I have given birth to a child and right now I cannot make a goal to be a mom, but I can dream a dream.
This whole thought process about dreams began when someone approached me and said they dreamed about me with another man...normally I would laugh this kind of thing off, but this particular person is known for their dreams, and God working within their dreams to bring encouragement, hope, conviction, or compassion.
So I am gently reminded that life is not about making goals or simply surviving your circumstances. Its about embracing dreams and following them with gusto and exuberance and joy.
And so I leave you with this song...
in⋅cred⋅i⋅ble
–adjective| 1. | so extraordinary as to seem impossible. |
I began this year with the prayer / intention of being content in whatever happens. I did not expect God to literally take my world and turn it upside down and inside out. Through all that has happened throug this year (and things that have poured over from previous years) I have several thoughts that have brought me peace and several thoughts that have brought me to edge of life and questioned my existence and purpose through all of this.
We tried to have a baby for three years with no luck. Looking back that first month coming off of birth control, I realize now I was probably more pregnant than I originally thought. All the signs and symptoms and a positive test...but in the end no baby. This week I thought of that first month and realized that if things had turned out the way I wanted them too I would be holding my Josiah and he would be turning 3 next month. This realization nearly knocked the wind out of me, especially magnified by the fact that almost all my friends will be having babies this year (two are pregnant, one is probably pregnant and I just don't know, one is planning on being pregnant, and one is going to get pregnant-in faith we are claiming). I realized that even through everything I've gone through, my desire to be a mother still lingers in the back of my heart. The desire to be a mother was buried deep within my heart by the process of grieving. I began to feel a insurgence of grief welling up in my throat as I thought about this. I started to feel almost a frustration and anger with God over how this whole situation unfolded before me. I began to mourn the loss of the children I would never know with my husband. My heart became heavy and I started to feel that familiar depression overshadowing me.
What have I done to deserve this journey? Why me? Was is not enough that my life was completely disheveled and uprooted in all ways. I have asked these questions before and answered them quite intelligently in my head, but answering these heavy questions in your head sometimes doesn't make your heart understand it all the same. And in my desperation to find the answers once more, it hit me.
It all begins with a dream...
dream
- A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
- A daydream; a reverie.
- A state of abstraction; a trance.
- A wild fancy or hope.
- A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration.
Speaking literally, I had a dream where I was married and I felt such a thrill from finding someone and feeling the warmth of their love radiating within my heart. I cannot make a goal to be remarried, BUT I can dream the dream of finding love again. I have had countless dreams where I have given birth to a child and right now I cannot make a goal to be a mom, but I can dream a dream.
This whole thought process about dreams began when someone approached me and said they dreamed about me with another man...normally I would laugh this kind of thing off, but this particular person is known for their dreams, and God working within their dreams to bring encouragement, hope, conviction, or compassion.
So I am gently reminded that life is not about making goals or simply surviving your circumstances. Its about embracing dreams and following them with gusto and exuberance and joy.
And so I leave you with this song...
To dream the impossible dream. To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow. To run where the brave dare not go
To bear with unbearable sorrow. To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong. To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary. To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest. To follow that star
No matter how hopeless. No matter how far
To fight for the right. Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell. For a heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true . To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm. When I'm laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this. That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage. To reach the unreachable star
Don't give up on your dreams...no matter what happens. Hold your dreams, love your dreams, remember your dreams, embrace your dreams.
posted by Sarah W @ 11:32 PM
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