Sunday, March 30, 2008

Happy Birthday Shannon

It is 12:24am. Shannon would've been 35 today.

Its been such a strange month. I feel like I've lived most of it in a haze. When I thought I was making progress, all of the sudden I have another Lazarus-Shannon dream. I am sitting on the couch with him and he isn't sick yet. He's just smiling at me...then he's dead. But in my dream Ryan is trying to convince me that he is getting better, even though he's dead.

How odd.

Tonight was definitely a test of my faith. Even though I'm technically single and not trying for a baby anymore, it still hurts to feel the sting of infertility and finding out other people are pregnant. God is definitely going to have to help my heart get through that part. Its one thing to battle infertility or to go through losing a loved one, but to face both seems like an unsurmountable mountain to face...God give me the strength to face the mountain. I see it all in perspective now...the whole battle with infertility. It was never a battle to begin with, it was all apart of God's bigger plan. How blessed I am to not have gotten pregnant, only to lose my husband and become a single mom. It still hurts, but in knowing God's plan for me, it hurts a whole lot less.

I think that God is also awakening to new passion for the outdoors. I want to do awesome stuff that I have never really thought about --- base jumping, mountain climbing, swimming with the manatees, canoeing, etc. I feel a need to live and to really make my life count. I want to make goals and plans and live my life to the fullest, free of fear.

Its also weird too now when I have to put my status...single, married, other, complicated...I want to put married, even though I'm technically single. When I fill out applications I get thrown off by what to put...its so strange to go from being happily married to being a widow. Its weird. Its really really really weird. To be connected to a person and then all of the sudden to be completely free again. Its really the weirdest feeling I've ever had.

God give me some more peace...

posted by Sarah W @ 12:25 AM  

2 Comments:

  • At 6:38 AM , Blogger The New Mrs. Rue said...

    Sarah, I knew that today would have been his birthday and I've been praying and thinking about you all week. I am going to bring cookies over today (for sure). I love you very much!

     
  • At 9:49 PM , Blogger Kara said...

    I don't think that there is a day that has gone by that Shawn hasn't talked about Shannon. Today...Shannon has been the highlight of many conversations! I was thinking about you last night...Jay (the 4 year old) had a birthday last week so we had a fashion show and a dance party! Love you O FUN ONE!!!

     

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