Sarah (pron. Say `Ruh) (n) def: Queen of Lynchburg, Tetris Master, Diva, Dreamer.

A long time coming...

2009-02-24T23:51:00.003-05:00

And its today.

365 days exactly, well actually 366 considering last year was a leap year.

The day started like any other. I had gone to church that morning by myself, since Shannon was visiting Ryan in Virginia. After church I went and picked up my friends very young daughter Abby and we went back to the house for the afternoon of cartoons, dress up, silly play time. When we got to the house, our puppy had pooped on the floor and decided that the best course of action after that would be to dance in it and then all over the house. Grumbling I packed Abby back into the car and we went to Food Lion to get carpet cleaner. I remember Abby walked around half singing "We gotta get carpet cleaner cause Jovi pooped the floor". I called Shannon during this whole ordeal, extremely frustrated that he had spent 3 days doing nothing but having fun in Virginia while I carried out the tasks of reality...tasks like working, babysitting, potty training obnoxious little dogs. When Shannon answered the phone I figured he had just been sleeping, and because I was already so upset I laid into him about all the reasons he needed to come home immediately. More specifically "Shannon you need to come home, this dog has pooped all over the floor and I'm sick of taking care of it". He, still half asleep, said okay honey and we hung up the phone. No I love yous, no I miss yous, just lay out the facts of the afternoon and then say goodbye.

No clue, whatsoever, that this was my last conversation with him. You never know when someone is going to die, if you had any indication of their impending death, you would live every moment with them to the fullest. You would forget silly quarrels and ridiculous situations and you would simply treasure sharing the same air with them for however many seconds they had left. Regret #1...I yelled at him about dog poop.

After I had settled down, I went to a bible study with Abby's mom, Jill. I called Ryan as I passed the mall and remember more vividly than anything him saying "Shannons sick again...with the stomach stuff". I remember at that moment driving over the bridge that passes over Highway 301 and thinking "Great...here we go again". In talking with Ryan he said that they didn't think it was too bad, and that Shannon would probably just be released. I asked Ryan if Shannon was asleep, and he said that he was, and I then said...well if he wakes up will you please have him call me so I can talk to him. Regret #2...I didn't push harder to talk to him.

That night I went to the bible study, not even that concerned. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was extremely concerned, but Shannon had been sick so many times before and why would this time be different...he would get better like he always did. I went home that night, went to bed and was awaken by the sound of my cell phone at 12:30am. It was the Dr. asking me if it was okay if they put in a central IV line. They were having a hard time with his blood pressure, he wasn't doing well at all, maybe you should come up here Mrs. Webb. I said, I will make arrangements and come in the morning. Regret #3...I didn't drop everything to go be with him.

These are the accounts of March 24, 2008 aka the day it all started. This is the only day that I have regrets. Three things I wish I had done differently. Three things that I have gone over in my head countless times. I think of Peter, denying Christ 3 times before the Cock crowed. How he must have felt after Jesus had died knowing that he had been given 3 opportunities to do something different, to make something better, and he did not do it. In the same token I am comforted by the story, by the mere fact that Jesus knew Peter would respond this way. Jesus knew I would respond the way I did. Jesus knew I would have regrets...but just as Jesus embraced Peter after he denied him, He has embraced my heart with regards to these regrets. Life is but a vapor...theres no time like the present...life is too short for regrets. How true this are to me.

The next few days were blurs.

Monday I came to Virginia, by that time he was in shock and put on a ventilator. I sat and watched him suffer. But I remained clear headed, calling people for prayer, calling family to come to Virginia to be with us. 4:30am that night I get a call "Mrs. Webb your husband has taken a turn for the worse". I raced to that hospital room, running the entire way. It was freezing cold outside and I was running as fast as I could. When I got there his heart had stopped but they had brought him back.

Tuesday, the great migration began from North Carolina as half the church and half our family came to Virginia. Every day the Dr. would not give us hope...his organs were shutting down, he needs dialysis bad, the fluid is building up around abdomen, he needs surgery but he is too critically ill.

Wednesday they tell us he's developed a blood issue and there could be complications. He is still critically ill...if he makes it they need to move him to another hospital. More church people, more family. We have taken up residence in the ICU waiting room...all 30 of us, sometimes more. So many visitors...so many prayers. While I am still clear headed I make funeral plans...just in case.

Thursday...it happens. His blood pressure skyrockets and then falls. And when I step into the room after it all happened I took one look at knew he was gone. "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord". That was my first thought.

Friday the Dr. says...he seems to be improving, but yesterdays episode has us concerned, he needs a CAT scan and he's stable enough to be moved...hours later, he tells us...He's bled into his brain, he's only living off machines. Start thinking about when to take him off the machines. Make phone calls. Think about funeral. Think about service to honor Shannon before he dies. Think about Shannons son. Think about how lonely I am. Think about dog poop. Think about family. Think about his mom and dads heart breaking. Think about nephews. Think about God...Thank God. Walk from the Dr. consult into Shannons room...shut door, shut curtain...raise my hands and profusely thank God for this life, our life together. Our love. Thank you God thank you God. Never forget how gracious and amazing is the Love of God...the love that carries the love that heals...that night have service for Shannon (where ironically several members of my Lynchburg family happened to show up...people I did not even know then, who I have grown to love now). 12:15am prepare for machines to be turned off. 12:30am machines turned off, we all gather around the bed, I hold Shannons head in my hands and I proceed to remember, remember anything and everything I could about his smell, the way his face felt, his beard, his ears, his cheeck. 12:34...beep beep nothing. He's gone.

12:35am...walk out of the room into the waiting area and tell everyone that Shannon is with Jesus. Proceed to crumple on the floor and brain turns off...I remember being held, I remember going to a hotel, I remember Jessica holding me as I slept. The next morning, the blur sets in...Cinammon Rolls, Car ride with my head in Laura's lap, Red shirt I wore to the funeral home. Blur and more blur. Meeting with people, planning the funeral, picking out his clothes to be buried in, going to the church to listen to the praise team practice for the funeral, have dance parties as an attempt to comfort me.

Tuesday. Have funeral. Ironic word...irony in the fact that such a horrible thing contains the word fun in it. It is not. Standing for hours, hugging strangers, not eating, wishing it was all over. Never once shedding a tear.

Wednesday we buried him. At that point I had entered he zombie bubble and I was numb. Everything a blur. Only one thing clear and that was that God held me in His hand. That my heart was breaking but those amazing nail scarred hands were holding the broken pieces together. In our brokenness do we find our deepest strength.

I have dreaded this week. A year later. The rehasing of regrets. The flood of memories. The realization that he's gone all over again. And in the midst of this I have one clear thought. Honeybuns.

Honeybuns?! In the midst of my pain, God gives me a beautiful memory of a beautiful sister marching into the hospital with a bucket of honeybunds. I look at her and say " I can't I'm trying to stay on my diet" and she says "Sarah I'm your sister and I know whats best for you...now eat the honeybun". So as I sit here writing all this, remembering everything, trying my hardest to find joy in the mundane things of life... God gives me the gift of remembering honeybuns...and more importantly the love that surrounded me then and surrounds me now. This was a year of trying and testing, a year of love and loss, a year of learning and growing. This was my defining moment where I can crumple and fall, or stand and find my strength. I hope that the way I handled this year was pleasing to God. There were times that I have been extremely ashamed and angry, but no matter how tough it seems to get I always find God standing at my door, politely knocking and asking to come in and just sit with me. And in these moments where its just Him and I...I find peace.

Although Shannon is gone, he is not forgotten. The lessons he taught me will forever live on. The love that he shared has spread like wildfire and inspired others to share that same love. And everytime someone practices the love that Shannon showed them, Shannon lives on forever. Oh Shannon...I really wish I had not yelled at you about dog poop. But at the same time, I know that you have been kicking it with Jesus for a year now...fishing in heavenly ponds with Catfish that are probably made of pure gold. You are rocking it out with your Glorified Taylor Guitar in your glorified body. You are chillin with David and Abraham and your Papaw. You are happy, you are whole, you are living your dream. I miss you and will always hold a special place in my heart for you....I dance with joy in my life knowing that you are exactly where you have always wanted to be. And I know that you would be proud of me and happy for me and where my life is going. And even though I yelled at you about dog poop, I know that you really know that I loved you very much.

So happy...not birthday, and death day sounds too grim. How about, Happy Heaven Day....that more fitting of a title for your homecoming.

11 months later...

2009-01-31T23:32:00.006-05:00

this is what my reality looks like...

Psalm 103:1-4

Praise the LORD, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and

crowns you with love and compassion.

It is unbelievable to think that 11 months ago was the beginning of the end. I have struggled so much within the last week...struggled with my self-esteem, struggled with how I see God, struggled with feeling so alone. I keep hearing the title of the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" and I keep mumbling that the version I'm going to pen will be titled "When God Writes Your Death Story"...I know, that is a little morbid, but it's 100% honesty at its rawest. My mind has run rampant with pure and utter resentment towards the "perfects", people who seem to float through life with nothing but good things going their way. I have harbored bitterness in my heart towards people who are able to easily have a beautiful marriage, complete with beautiful babies. I have felt a brokenness within me, that if not contained could very well break my spirit and leave me the shattered-shadow of a person.

As you can see, its been pretty rough.

Now I realize that its all a mixture of natural human emotion and very specific spiritual warfare...and in keeping that in mind, I know that I have to keep my eye on the prize, that I have to keep praising my God. I look at Job, and he refused to "curse God and die"...he kept his eyes towards heaven. I look within myself and see an ocean of dreams waiting to be fulfilled and my only hope in this, is God. So as I enter into what I begin to believe may be a "tough month", I'm going to stand firm on God's truth that "sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning". I believe God is challenging me to hold on to my dreams and keep them close to my heart...despite present circumstances.

So Sarah Webb...what dreams are you holding on to.

To one day experience living life with the man that God is preparing for me...now I know this is going to be a tough job for whoever you are. You have incredibley large shoes to fill and you are going to have to be an absolutely exceptional person, full of integrity, strength, and love. I realize that I may not fit the mold of a typical person, but trust me when I say that I dance through life with a joy that most of the times is uncontainble. This last year has been a time of testing; testing of my character, testing of my inner strength, testing of my faith...but I promise you, that the sky is breaking and I can start to see the sun shine. And one day, when you look into my eyes, I will set your heart on fire with joy. One day you are going to read this, so I might as well keep going with my dreams. I want to adopt 6 children from all over the world...children who need a mom and dad to love them unconditionally, to give them a good life, to raise them up to be princes and princesses of God...I know that God has prepared me to be an amazing mom, and I'm sure you are going to be an amazing dad, and together we will impact young lives that in turn will impact the world. And as we cultivate our family and grow together in love, I also want a living room that is light yellow with stark white trim, a greenhouse in the backyard full of beautiful, growing plants, family dinners that have endless amounts of joyful laughter echoing throughout our home. These are my dreams, these are the things I hold dear in my heart.

So, 11 month anniversary...I can choose to be completely misreable and sad, and slide back into grieving...or I can choose to hold tight to my dreams, and get buckled in...because once you begin believing in your dreams, God takes you on a wild ride.

I've shed enough tears...I'm now choosing to buckle my seatbelt.

Dream #1 : Swim with Manatees

2009-01-24T22:23:00.006-05:00

The first time I ever went kayaking in Florida, I experience manatees first hand, as I paddled my hardest to the channel bank and began screaming "What was that thing!?"

That trip began an eleven year love story between me and those beautiful gentle giants. I did as much research as possible on manatees, collected manatees figurines, and deep in my heart, I began to have a dream to swim with the manatees. And finally, after much waiting, my opportunity came.

Thursday morning came quickly as the alarm rang at 4:50am. I immediately jumped out of bed, bright-eyed and ready to go. I slept in my bathing suit the night before so I wouldn't waste time getting dressed. My stepdad, my cousin and I got into the car and drove 25 minutes to meet up with "Captain Mike". We arrived at the Tour Center, where we were quickly shuffled into a room to put on our wetsuits. Afterwards, we sat down and watched a deliciously 1980s film on keeping the manatees safe and how to swim with them safely. Captain Mike began passing out blankets to us and we boarded the short bus to ride down to the boat.

We boarded the boat and began our 30 minute boat ride to get to the headsprings to begin our swim. The sun had not even risen at that point. It was pitch black dark and still very very cold. 26 degree cold. Kayla (my cousin) and I huddled together to attempt to keep warm with our blankets, but within five minutes I literally could not feel my feet. The guy driving the boat (also named Mike, but not to be confused with Captain Mike) explained to us how to swim with the manatees (horizontal! Never vertical!) and explained how to use our snorkel...he also kept stressing the importance of being quiet, being gentle, utilizing the dead man float, and just letting the manatees come to you.

By 7:00am or so, we arrived to the headsprings and began our journey to the water. Boat drive Mike put de-fog solution in our goggles and put float-aides to help us float better. And one by one we got into the water. Surprisingly, although it was 26 degrees outside, the water was a constant 72 degrees year round, and it felt like bath water. As I floated in the water and let my fingers and toes de-thaw, I decided it was time to finally start my swim. And I fixed my goggles and snorkel and went under water.

And began having an anxiety attack.

Oh yeah, did I explain that I had an intense fear of open bodies of water. No one can prepare for exactly how LARGE a manatee is face to face. Boat driver Mike tried to prepare us, but even his warning (they are alot bigger than you think) could not even prepare me for being face to face with a 15 foot long, 2000 pound underwater mammal. I came out of the water telling them that I didn't think I could do this and that I was starting to freak out. Boat Driver Mike (lets just start calling him Mike) said "theres nothing in the water that can hurt you".

And it hit me. This was my biggest and most attainable dream to date and that I was living it and more importantly I could not let my fear overwhelm my dream. And with this revelation, I went back underwater and began to enjoy myself.

Manatees are alot like mischievious little cats. They love playing with string and ropes, and will interact with you similarly to a cat. One particular mantee that was nicknamed Snuggles, kept coming to me and wanting me to pet him and he kissed my hand. Another manatee came to me and rolled around so I would pet his belly. During our hour and a half swim, we were surrounded by as few as a dozen manatees and as many as 20. They ranged in sizes from 5 feet up to 15 feet. Some were as big as a human (babies) some were as much as a van. They were beautiful....I would swim and look them in the eyes and just melted when their eyes met mine. I pet each and every one of them and enjoyed every moment. Each one was unique...they had algae on their backs, and one had hair on his body, and each bore scars on their backs from careless boat drivers who have hit them. In my head I was singing David Crowders version of "All Creatures of Our God and King"...it was the most magical and beautiful experience I have had in a very long time. And well worth the 11 year wait.

When it was time to leave, it had warmed up to a nice 30 degrees outside. As we got dressed icycles formed in our hair. My hands were so cold I could not even button my pants. I lost feeling in my hands and feet. But despite all of these things, nothing could wipe the smile that was on my face.

So after enduring 26 degree weather, getting up at 4:50am, and conquering my intense fear of water...I lived my dream. So my challenge to you is - what would you endure to live your dream? Never give up. Never let anything stop you.

Don't let your fear overwhelm your dream.

(on a side note - the wonderful people at Walgreens, who are all genius's, did not really know what they were doing as they opened my water proof disposable camera, over exposing all the film and in turn, ruining every single picture I had take of me and the manatees...so I have no pictures of the actual manatees and me...but here are some highlights)

As my heart falls apart...

2009-01-06T00:08:00.003-05:00

Strength in numbers.

I open and read an email and proceed with reading a blog and my heart simply fell apart.

Let's begin at the beginning.

I was blessed enough to meet E. I was call her E because I'm not sure if she wants her name painted all over my blog. But in meeting E and talking with E, I found an extreme amount of comfort from her words. She too was a young widow, her husband suddenly dying, leaving her with two very small children. She gave me comfort, she gave me hope, she gave me love. It were her words that affirmed me and calmed my fears. She let the light of Christ shine through her heart into my email, and let her radiating love burst through my computer screen. I will always remember the blessing of E.

Today, a friend from school approached me about allowing another friend read my blog. Of course, I was thrilled at this...When I went online and looked at this new friends blog, my heart slowly began to unravel. By the end of the night after she had befriended me on facebook, sent me an email, and I spent a good amount of time looking at pictures and reading her blog...I can safely say that my heart is so heavy right now, I'm surprised it hasn't dropped right out of my chest.

This new friend, another E, lost her husband a few months. And like myself, had been trying to have a baby. My heart broke into a thousand pieces reading her blog. I literally wanted to crawl through the computer screen and hug her. I would've never thought in a thousand years that would be two of us, so similar in circumstance.

And so to you, dear sweet E. My heart aches with the very thought of your situation and at the same it overflows with love. I leave you with this thought...

From Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

From Isaiah 54:10
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

From Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

From Psalm 126:5-6
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy,
He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with him

My final thought...From Eccl 3:4
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance

One day E, you will dance again...until then, His unwavering Love surrounds you.

Goodbye 2008 - you sucked

2009-01-01T02:35:00.003-05:00

So long to 2008 AKA the worst and the best year of my life.

January - A beautiful month
February - I re-fell in love with my husband
March - He died and I became a zombie
April - I started to slowly wake up
May - I started to get angry
June - I became more angry and lonely
July - I hit rock bottom
August - I found hope
September - I started to see Joy
October - I finally started to find myself
November - I finally began healing
December - I became at peace

So here's to a year of losing and learning.

2009 WILL be my best year ever.

In retrospect - 2008 was a tough year. I have never been loneliner. I have never been happier. Its a paradoxial year where I lost what was most important to me, and gained more than I could've ever expected from such an experience.

Happy New Year....I hope and pray its your best year yet!

It all begins with a dream...

2008-12-26T23:32:00.002-05:00

This has been an incredible year to say the least.

in⋅cred⋅i⋅ble

–adjective

1.	so extraordinary as to seem impossible.

2. not credible; hard to believe ; unbelievable.

I began this year with the prayer / intention of being content in whatever happens. I did not expect God to literally take my world and turn it upside down and inside out. Through all that has happened throug this year (and things that have poured over from previous years) I have several thoughts that have brought me peace and several thoughts that have brought me to edge of life and questioned my existence and purpose through all of this.

We tried to have a baby for three years with no luck. Looking back that first month coming off of birth control, I realize now I was probably more pregnant than I originally thought. All the signs and symptoms and a positive test...but in the end no baby. This week I thought of that first month and realized that if things had turned out the way I wanted them too I would be holding my Josiah and he would be turning 3 next month. This realization nearly knocked the wind out of me, especially magnified by the fact that almost all my friends will be having babies this year (two are pregnant, one is probably pregnant and I just don't know, one is planning on being pregnant, and one is going to get pregnant-in faith we are claiming). I realized that even through everything I've gone through, my desire to be a mother still lingers in the back of my heart. The desire to be a mother was buried deep within my heart by the process of grieving. I began to feel a insurgence of grief welling up in my throat as I thought about this. I started to feel almost a frustration and anger with God over how this whole situation unfolded before me. I began to mourn the loss of the children I would never know with my husband. My heart became heavy and I started to feel that familiar depression overshadowing me.

What have I done to deserve this journey? Why me? Was is not enough that my life was completely disheveled and uprooted in all ways. I have asked these questions before and answered them quite intelligently in my head, but answering these heavy questions in your head sometimes doesn't make your heart understand it all the same. And in my desperation to find the answers once more, it hit me.

It all begins with a dream...

dream

A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
A daydream; a reverie.
A state of abstraction; a trance.
A wild fancy or hope.
A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration.

This has been a year of testing and trying, growth and loss. Through it all, the prevailing thought in my head has been "make goals", when in fact the prevailing thought should have been "dream dreams".

Speaking literally, I had a dream where I was married and I felt such a thrill from finding someone and feeling the warmth of their love radiating within my heart. I cannot make a goal to be remarried, BUT I can dream the dream of finding love again. I have had countless dreams where I have given birth to a child and right now I cannot make a goal to be a mom, but I can dream a dream.

This whole thought process about dreams began when someone approached me and said they dreamed about me with another man...normally I would laugh this kind of thing off, but this particular person is known for their dreams, and God working within their dreams to bring encouragement, hope, conviction, or compassion.

So I am gently reminded that life is not about making goals or simply surviving your circumstances. Its about embracing dreams and following them with gusto and exuberance and joy.

And so I leave you with this song...

To dream the impossible dream. To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow. To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong. To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary. To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest. To follow that star
No matter how hopeless. No matter how far

To fight for the right. Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell. For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true . To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm. When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this. That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage. To reach the unreachable star

Don't give up on your dreams...no matter what happens. Hold your dreams, love your dreams, remember your dreams, embrace your dreams.

So here it is.

2008-11-19T23:05:00.003-05:00

I've been out of the blogging loop for a while. Its a very rare thing that I have a picture taken in which I'm not completely horrified. But this was one that I really love, so I wanted to share.

Oh and Thanks Mom for taking it. www.gigihousandphotography.com.

This is my wonderful boss. I have mentioned him in past blogs, but here is a face to go with the title...He might be the boss, but I'm still the Queen of Lynchburg. And throughout the day he is the one that reminds me of that as he replies to my questions with "Yes, your Majesty" or "here you are your Highness". There are some people you know throughout life that leave impressions on your soul...this is one of those kinds of people. I have grown to appreciate him very much and learning all the facets of his personality has been a journey. But, in this journey, I have learned things from him that has helped me to become a better person. He is an amazing friend and someone I respect very deeply.

So Happy Un-Official Boss's Day...though I may not say this to you face often, you are awesome. (And not just on your designated day of Friday).

The Beginnings of Christmas...

2008-11-18T10:42:00.000-05:00

The day began like any other, nothing to make it any different than any other day. The air was cold and crisp outside, and beckoning to all that winter was coming. I sat working in my chair admiring the overcast sky outside, listening to the sound of my puppy playing in his kennel. I worked swiftly and efficiently today getting many tasks accomplished. By the end of the day I knew what had to be done. I had known for days what had to be done, but never got the courage to go ahead and do it.

And so as 10pm rolled around I began the task of dragging each heavy box from the basement into my living room, and began the arduous task of unpacking the Christmas Tree and the assorted decorations I had gathered throughout the years. Throughout each year, Shannon helped me with assembling our Christmas tree. That Christmas Tree…it has such a spiteful game it likes to play with us every year, scratching and poking our arms & hands until we are covered in tiny red marks and our skin burns from the lacerations. Cruel tree.

Once the tree was assembled I began to unpack each of our ornaments and with each ornament a new memory burst forth from my mind. It made me think of the fun Shannon and I had last year putting the lights on the tree and hanging each ornament together. And once we were done, sitting on the couch, cuddling, admiring the beautiful job we had done together.

This year was different however. I sat and placed each ornament on the tree, alone. There was no Shannon to help, nor anyone else to assist. This was a job I had to do by myself. Some ornaments I chose to not put up this year because of the reminder of how beautiful my life used to be. At some ornaments I laughed uncontrollably at when I laid eyes on them…the trumpet and paino ornaments that have survived 3 decades in our family. My collection of “Gone with the Wind” ornaments my Grandmother gives me every year. The COTR Nursery tag that Laura gave me last year, simply because she forget to give it back to the nursery and thought it would make a fun garnishment on my tree. Each ornament brought a different, beautiful memory to my mind.

By the end of the night the tree was decorated. The stocking were hung. The Christmas village was assembled. And as I sit here in my living room, admiring my great achievements, a very deep sense of loneliness fills my heart. Shannon isn’t here to enjoy these moments.

This is not a story of despair. For in my heart I know that this will be Shannon’s best Christmas yet. But for us left here without him, our hearts our filled with sadness and a longing to see him again. But we stand on the promise that “joy comes in the morning” and one day we will all be together again. That is the gift of salvation.

So I leave you with this one story. Last night I discovered whilst putting up my Christmas tree, that I have had an obscession that I was completely unaware of.

I am a Christmas Stocking Hoarder.

It’s true. In total I unpacked 8 Stockings that belonged to a family of 2. It made me laugh. In the stocking inventory there were :
~ Two normal decorative Stockings
~ One Dog Stocking
~ One miniature stocking
~ My Christmas Stocking that I’ve had for 20 years
~ Shannon’s stocking I bought him when we were dating
~ Shannon’s stocking I bought him when we were married
~ My Standard Insurance stocking, which was 3 feet long

I think for fun, photos may follow of these stockings. Ho ho ho…Merry Early Christmas.

Happy Anniversary My Love...

2008-09-19T16:07:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow my love, we would have shared 5 years of a beautiful marriage. The last 6 months I have had mixed emotions trying to figure out how I actually feel...and this is what I have come to realize.

I loved you with an intensity that I cannot describe in human words. My heart and soul miss you tremendously and I feel an overwhelming loneliness around me when I think of being here without you.

I look forward with great expectancy our reunion in heaven one day, and I am comforted in knowing that you are exactly where you always wanted to be, in the presence of our God, our Father, our Papa.

I appreciate you for all the beautiful, wisdom and humor that you brought into our relationship and how you rescued me from myself and from an endless pit of sorrow that I was falling into. You brought a sense of purpose into my life, I took care of you because God brought you to me (I took that quote from your favorite movie - The Four Feathers)...I love you with all my heart and I miss you.

So tomorrow, as I am doing what you loved to do, camping on the Blue Ridge Mountains, and looking at God's beautiful creation, I will think of you and remember each and every sweet memory of ours with an amazing Joy and an attitude of peace of thanksgiving that God gave you to me.

Happy Anniversary my Love. I miss you and I always will...

Dream for a 6 month anniversary...

2008-09-01T17:06:00.004-04:00

September 1st. Its been 6 months since Shannon died. Overall I am doing well. However, a guess as a tribute to this anniversary date, I had a very weird dream, which I am beginning to think has some encouraging/prophetic things in it. Here goes...

The dream started out with the familiar Shannon in the hospital. Another Lazarus-Shannon dream. I walked up to him and he slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. This time I wasn't jumping at the opportunity to tell him about all the miracles his death produced, I just looked at me and slowly said "Shannon...I've missed you". He began to get up and made a comment about hugging me/making out when he started to feel better. He then went to take a bath and I followed him to help him out, and he just sat in the tub and the whole scene faded away. The next thing I knew I was backstage at a concert wearing an amazing dress...almost like a ball gown. There was a christian band doing a song and someone ran up to me and asked if I could improv along with them behind the curtain on the song "Come Thou Fount"...I did, and I remember it was in the key of D. I played it perfectly and remember running from the piano, almost in slow motion and my dress just flowing all around. (Here comes the prophetic part of the dream) I then remember sitting the office of our Augusta branch of VanderMorgan. I was wearing a gold locket around my neck and I opened it up. It showed my name and birthday, another name and birthdate, and a small circle w/ some tiny things in it. I looked up and there was a man in front of me, in the dream he was my fiance and the necklace was my engagement "ring". It was my name and birthdate etched into and his. And the other circle contained a miniature sewing kit.

I woke up. But I began to question the necklace. A necklace that represented my engagement to another man and a miniature sewing kit. And I asked myself, what do I think about when I think about sewing...mending things, fixing things, etc. And it hit me.

This relationship will mend my heart.

I don't know if this was a word from the Lord or what, but I felt like on this anniversary date I needed some reaffirming that my time is coming. That my season of restoration is coming. I have felt so very alone and really questioning if I will ever meet anyone else. I have missed Shannon and more so his friendship/companionship lately more than ever. Its been days when all I needed was a hug, and there hasn't been one to find. But I think God is reminding me that my time of mourning is being turned into my time of joy, and its coming.

I just thought it was cool...

When you run out of stuff to blog about...you randomize!

2008-08-22T00:13:00.006-04:00

1. A Goal I want to accomplish :

I have really been obscessing over the move "The Painted Veil"...see it, seriously, its the most romantic movie and the most beautiful story of the redeeming power of love. My goal however, is to play a song that was in the movie.

Gnossiennes No. 1

2. Getting to know your bosses :

Seriously. I think I am in love with both of them. I mean seriously. But I am not flirting. (wink wink) I am going to list the words I think about when I think of them : determination, integriy, leadership, kindness, compassion, beauty, humor, thoughtfulness, faith, belief, amazing, awesome...the list could keep going on and on. In a nutshell...God created two amazingly extraordinary people when he created them. They have been extraordinary examples of men of God. These are my thoughts about this...

3. What I want :

Its been six months. I think I've done alot of healing and alot of growing. I feel that its time to start :::thinking::: about dating. Not actively dating, but actively seeking God's wisdom and direction in the area of dating. God has given me the most amazing guy friends, who constantly surround me and give me examples of things I want in a partner. Because of the nature of starting a new job and training with the bosses, on a daily basis I am subjected to seeing how they work and function as not only bosses, but as human beings. I see the qualities the bosses both have and it makes me say to myself...I really want that. Those are qualities and things I want in a person that I will share my life with. At this point though, its a whole "give it all to God" situation...my prayer is that God reveals my awesomeness to others. Its no lie that dating makes me nervous, especially in light of the "beauty" revelation (see previous blog) and the whole focus of beauty in today's generation. Which makes me think....

4. The Self Esteem :

Is now fixed!!!! God showed me alot about how wonderful I am and so now in appreciation of me, I am going to list what I think about when I think about me. I am not trying to be prideful, but I h ave felt so bad about my self for such a long time, that I think a little Sarah-Love is highly healthy.

So to Sarah, Sarah is : Awesome. Beautiful. Smart. Whitty. Supporting. Deep. Thoughtful. Encouraging. Pray-er. Able to see the beauty in practically everything that surrounds me on a day to day basis. Loving. Faithful. Loyal. A friend. My heart is a well of hope, bursting forth and pouring out.

5. My life :

Is one the path it is supposed to be. God brought me to a place of brokenness, loneliness, and then complete fulfillment. He is opening my eyes daily to amazing things in life. And showing me glimpses of things to come, things to hope for, things to pray for. My destiny is unfolding before my very eyes.

6. My life (the technical things) :

I moved to Lynchburg on August 6th. Everything went smooth with that. Onslow is a hateful, mean bird that won't become Tame. I'm trying to work with her, but its a long process. I may have to admit defeat and just get a hamster. The job is going awesome...I love, love, LOVE the company I work for. Every employee, every shareholder, every person I have met associated with them has confirmed in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be and that God has a HUGE purpose for not only the company, but also my involvement with the company. I haven't found a church, yet. I am going to visit around. But other than that...I have been eating healthy and in the midst of all that lost 10 pounds somehow, which puts me at my Pre-Death weight! Hallelujah. It only took 6 months... but I could tell this week I was losing weight, all of the sudden I have collar bones that are visible and a neck..seriously, its the little things we praise God for. I have made alot of new friends. One of my bosses Chris, is literally the social director of Lynchburg and has introduced me to so many people who have reached out and loved and embraced me as a friend. They are awesome...and since Chris never reads my blog I can give him a shoutout he'll never find out about...(Chris you are awesome, seriously you deserve an awesome award every day of the week). I have been playing the guitar alot more lately, really embracing praise and worship...my whole attitude lately has been that of prayer and thanksgiving...basically I pray alot and I sing worship alot. I feel like the joy of the Lord is finally bubbling over in my heart and spilling out to those around me. And I absolutely love it.

7. I'm thinking...

The biggest thing I've been thinking of lately is Sing to the Lord a New Song!!! So, I'm pondering finding a new life song for me. Any one have suggestions???

8. My life has never been :

so focus. so determined. so hopeful.

I love you guys and I'm sorry for the delay in blogging. Its been a crazy ride the last few weeks. I promise, I'll try harder.

Beauty

2008-07-18T11:32:00.001-04:00

What is Beauty exactly?

Put yourself alone in a room with God and ask yourself this question.

I am not conventionally beautiful by the world’s standards. The opposite sex does not fall over themselves to be in my presence because of how beautiful, cute, or pretty I am. And for years I have dealt with inferiority and self esteem issues because of this fact. I have picked myself apart and criticized every flaw that I have. I have pointed out each of my deficiencies and physical abnormalities that contribute to my lack of worldly beauty.

Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

I have come to a realization about myself. I read a book that puts into question what we consider beauty and what we consider ugly. What is our basis for thinking something exists within these boundaries. You have to think about light and darkness. Darkness doesn’t exist, but is merely the absence of light. Ugliness doesn’t exist. It is merely the absence of [conventional] beauty. I have come to terms with the fact that I won’t be a beauty queen one day or “that girl” that every guy falls over themselves to be near. If God had wanted me to live in that shallow life where beauty is my goal and something I live in daily, He would’ve created me more into the world’s standards. But he didn’t. Instead He created me in His image and because I am in His image I am flawless, beautiful, and free of the boundaries of the world’s standards of beauty.

This is not a concept that is easily grasped by people. We have been programmed that being beautiful means you have to be skinny, gorgeous, beautiful smile, perfect teeth, fashion sense, perfect makeup…but guess what. No one I have ever met meets these standards, and when we strive to step up to these standards we fall miserably short and in turn create a life of tortuous self esteem issues, because we don’t meet these standards.

I might not be the most physically appealing person, but what standards of beauty are you measuring me against? I have often felt inadequate as a woman because I did not fit into the “perfect-little-box” of what a man is looking for. But then it hit me. Would I rather be physically attractive to the men I meet and then have to “sift” my way through the sea of souls to find the one that God wants for me OR would I rather be protected until God has the one I am supposed to be with ready and at that moment God will be the one to unveil the beauty that is me to him…Personally, I would rather have my heart protect by my Father until its time for my heart to unite with another. And I would rather that my value be based upon what I am doing, and not what I look like.

It’s the heart that matters. A beautiful heart, a joyful countenance, a hopeful spirit, a peaceful presence. God does not want our beauty, he wants our hearts. If he had wanted our beauty He wouldn’t have created us to live in shells that grow old and fall apart. The world’s standards fall painfully short of what God sees in each of us…if we can open our eyes and realize this. He made me in His image, which means I am “fearfully and wonderfully made”.

So…today I challenge you to ask yourself, what do you consider beauty to be?

Another year older, another year wiser (literally)

2008-07-09T00:05:00.003-04:00

I am now officially 26. I have dreaded this age since I was 20. For some reason in my head, being 26 is the sign that you are on a slow descent to 30. That your youth and freedom is slowly stripping away and you are in fact, an adult.

The past few days leading up to this event have been less than pleasant. I have experienced what can only be described as a drought in my life - both spiritually and relationally. The friends who have surrounded me nonstop for months literally disappeared for the last two weeks. And this in combination with the dread I faced turning 26 lead to a severe depression. It culminated in a day where I got into an argument with a friend and then was sobbing my eyes out, wishing I was dead, and driving to the cemetery to just be near Shannon. I am not exaggerating when I said that I wished I were dead. I am not suicidal, but I truly wanted to just not exist. I looked back at the last few months and realized that I was an adult and that my child like nature was slowly slipping away. I felt like I was alone and that I had been abandoned by everything and everyone I held dear.

Not only did I feel this heaviness in my relationships, I have literally struggled to find commonplace with God. I felt like He was quiet and that I had been "sinning" so much that I was the one who was removing myself from His presence. My mouth has been let loose and I have not guarded the wholesomeness of my tongue. I was feeling a million miles away from God and from everyone around me...and all because I was turning 26.

God uses people in our lives to redirect paths that seem to be broken. He speaks through them when we are too deaf to clearly hear His voice. He uses these people to point us back to Him and to help us re-establish a true, genuine relationship with Christ. This person has been a influence to me, not because of the sterling life they live, but because of the challenge they have placed before me to really seek after God with everything.

So, in turning 26 and thinking about everything that has transpired in the last year, I can say with all confidence that God has indeed given me a good dose of wisdom these past five months. He has taken me to the very brink of losing everything, to the point where His hand is the only thing that keeps me suspended from certain death below. God has shown me His power and His authority. He has shown me His love in words I could never begin to say. And with one simple phrase.

I am loved.

No matter what happens now or in the future, I am loved. No matter how alone I feel, I am loved. No matter how far away from God I may be, I am loved.

My life is not perfect and it won't ever be, but I know going forward that whatever I face, I am loved. God's love never fails. God's love is not conditional. God's love is eternal. His love can sometimes bring us to a very painful process, but nonetheless, His love brought us to that place and it will bring us through that place.

I am now 26, and I feel like today when the clock struck 12:01am, I entered into a new season in my life. A season of maturity. A season of restoration. A season of hope. I can see God on the horizon, making my mountains move. I see the Son rising and my heart beginning to sing. God is going to take these broken wings that I have carried and make me fly again. So these are my committments for this year...

I am committed to you, My God and King. To do Your will, to go where You send me, to speak Your words. You are my passion and my purpose. To worship you, I live.
I am committed to my future husband. I am guarding my purity and my love closely. I know one day we'll be together and my gift to you will be my heart, my whole heart...without blemish, shame, or sadness. You will be my joy and my song.
I am committed to my friends. I hope that you will see me as a light when your sky starts to darken. I will try to be the rock for you when you feel broken. I will love you when you feel like no one else has the capacity to love.
I am committed to life. To living each day with Joy, Patience, and Beauty. To walk through this world that seems so ugly at times, but not only walk, but to Dance. To dance without fear. To dance without reservation. To dance with pure Joy. To laugh. To sing. To be free.

I think that I am starting out my 26th year of life on the right track...

Am I as old as I feel?

2008-06-23T14:38:00.001-04:00

Embracing my youth or in denial about how old I really am?

I am 25 years old with the experiences of an 80 year old. Most people will never have the walk the path I’ve walked until they are old and gray, but God chose me to go through this season for a purpose. Once the dust settled, I felt this resurgence of my youth flow through my veins. I want to be adventuresome and completely reckless. I want to embrace nature. Conquer the world. I feel an intense desire to play paintball and go fishing and go water tubing. I want to go rock climbing and swim with manatees. I want to go to concerts and enjoy parties.

So, I sit back and really have to ask myself am I really in denial about myself? I think that this new spirit to live of mine is really me trying to convince others and myself that I’m not really as old as I feel. Because when everyone leaves the house and I’m left alone to me and my thoughts, I feel like an old, gray-haired woman living in a one-bedroom house with 50 cats. Maybe not cats. But you get the picture. I feel like my bones are breaking and I’m slowly fading away and if I don’t do something right now, I will blow away with the wind.

I want so desperately not to feel like I am 100 years old. I want to feel my age. But I don’t. I feel like when I go to these concerts with people who aren’t that much younger than me, everyone around me is staring and thinking to themselves, “why is that old lady hanging out with those kids?” My friends reassure me that I’m not crazy, and I’m not old, but I can’t deny this overwhelming feeling I have. Everyone my age has settled down, gotten married, started families, but I have been thrown to the other end of the spectrum against my will and have been forced to go through the whole process once again.

And I’m learning a few surprising things about myself. Seriously, things I never realized about me.

a) I am a nature born social director. Amanda said it best. I can through together a party in no time and it is a fun time. I thrive on having as many random people around me as I can and doing the most random activities possible. From living room soccer to dance parties to cookouts, I love making people happy and connecting them with others.

b) My eyes are actually blue. Okay, let me go into that a little further. I know my eyes are blue, I’ve known that since I was, what 2? But, never in my life have so many people pointed out that my eyes are insanely blue. I think its because for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel the whole weight of the world on my shoulders and I feel…happy.

c) I don’t know who I am attracted to or not. This may sound silly, but for me this is something I really didn’t know about me. I never dated and Shannon was the first person to ever show interest in me, now when I am surrounded by single men, I really don’t know if I am actually attracted to them. I think about when I was younger and how I “fell in love” all the time with people, and now I constantly see beautiful qualities in several of my guy friends, but when it boils down to it, I don’t know if I could honestly say if I am attracted to any of them. I am all for giving everyone a shot, but I don’t really know if I am really attracted to any of them. I have thought that I am, but now I don’t really know. I ever took time to really pray about this subject Sunday, I asked God to shine a light into my heart and dissolve the confusion.

Trust me when I say that when you go through a traumatic life situation, all of the sudden you are put in a room by yourself and you have to re-meet and get to know who you really are. You have to embrace yourself, love yourself, and pray God helps others love you back through the transition. God is loving me through this season and putting amazing friends in my path to love me also. I feel like a crazy woman sometimes being torn apart from the inside, but at the end of the day, I know God’s making a way.

The Joys of Fishing

2008-06-23T09:15:00.002-04:00

We went fishing on Friday night with David (aka the Fly Fishing Guide)...he took us "jugging", which is exactly what it sounds. A fishing line and hook attached to a jug. It was an awesome time of fellowship, starting at midnight and lasting until 7:30am or so. We only caught 3 fish (as David continually exclaims "I forgot there was a drought!"), but we had such a good time it didn't bother us at all.

Here's Bret taking his catfish on a walk...

Once we finished fishing this was the view we had at the end of the trip. 7:30am to be exact.

The sun had just started rising...

This is a picture I cherish. This is a friendship restored. One of my dearest friends from school to be exact, and God has blessed me (and my family) with the opportunity to spend time with him.

Jessica Marie, a tribute

2008-06-19T14:45:00.001-04:00

I walked into Mr. Henderson’s 10th grade American History Class with a feeling of excitement. I was entering into my 3rd year at Faith Christian School, hoping that the year would be more spectacular the previous two. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Jessica. She sat there with her black eye liner, black hair, and ball-chain necklace. Everyone flocked to Jessica because of her mysteriousness, her exotic-ness. She was from Texas, which was like a whole other world to us North Carolinians. She didn’t fit the typical Texan stereotype…no cowboy boots or hat, no twangy accent, no love for the country music. She was tall and skinny, and very unique.

The first few weeks of the year we really didn’t talk much. We had several classes together, but really never bonded. That is, until that one weekend where our lives changed forever.

Our chorus was singing at my church at a fall festival. The whole group loved going out and singing at other venues, and we were all really geared up about this concert. That night we sang out hearts out and gave a great performance. Afterwards most of the group hung out at the festival, and Jessica began what I like to call our random-dance-a-thon. We started cutting up and dancing and laughing and just having a great time. I looked at Jessica and asked her if she would like to spend the night at my house, and she agreed. (On a side note, her mother also pulled me aside that night with tears in her eyes, saying that it was the first time Jessica had actually looked happy in a long time). That weekend began a nonstop two-month party with Jessica and I. Every weekend we stayed at her house or mine, having fun, vandalizing the golf course, dancing, playing games.

In the years that followed we have shared our ups and down, our joy and hurts. I held her hand during nasty breakups. She held my hand when my mom told me she was getting re-married. I held her hand when her Pepaw died. She held my hand when I made the decision to move in with my mom. I held her hand when she got sick at ECU. She held my hand when I got married. I held her hand when she got married.

She held my hand after my husband died.

So today I wanted to celebrate the beauty, joy, humor, loyalty, grace, and overall awesomeness that is my Jessica. She has been a constant source of support and love through these ten years we’ve been together. My dad once looked at me and said “Sarah, Jessica is the one for you…the one friend that you will have for the rest of your life no matter what” and as we venture into each new season I am learning the validity of that statement. Jess, I am so proud of you and the woman you have become. I am proud of you marrying Lee and becoming a wonderful wife. I am proud of you for sticking it out at your job. I am proud of you for getting into nursing school. But most of all I am proud of you for being one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I love you Jursh.

90 Days Laters OR the Blehs vs. the Yeahs

2008-06-04T13:44:00.001-04:00

Bleh : Shannons life insurance claim was denied which leaves me with this much in debt:
Funeral - $8,300
Hospital - $9,000
Existing medical - $6,000
Headstone - $2,000
Grand Total - $25,300

Yeah : I finally found some end tables for the living after searching for a year. At the Goodwill - $7.99 each. They aint perfect, they are good enough for me!

Bleh : I have gained a whopping 20 pounds. Superman had kryptonite and I have Krispy Kreme. I can’t stay on any kind of diet because of this magical dough disk. I try, but I have a goal now and a vision to deny my urges to eat the Krispy Kreme. Lord help me.

Yeah : I discovered how to make my eyes look dazzlingly blue via Almay eye shadow and Covergirl Super-Plumper Eye Mascara.

Bleh : I am extremely lonely and always in the mood to cuddle, but no one will cuddle with me…because for some reason the guy friends I have in Rocky Mount seem to equate cuddling with some kind of sexual act.

Yeah : I finally got a bird. Onslow, the most amazing Cockatiel ever. I thought he was going to go back to the petstore because of how mean he was, but he has started perching on our fingers and sitting on our shoulders. He loves disco music, my hair, and fruit loops, and hates the color pink.

Bleh : After 3 years of trying to conceive, my body plays a cruel, mean trick on me and ovulates 3 months in a row…what the crap.

Yeah : I’m moving in 57 days… a new job, a new life, a new place to live, a new microwave, a new zip code, a new state…a new start (and let me just say that daily I grow to love my new bosses more and more, and I am blown away by the caliber of their characters)

Just thought everyone would like to know whats been going on.

The realities of losing your husband –OR- Momma said there’d be days like this

2008-05-30T09:05:00.000-04:00

I remember sitting in a dark room, bawling my eyes out, looking at Amanda and quite clearly stating, “I can handle it if Shannon dies, I’m just going to be very lonely” and Amanda quietly replying, “Sarah, I know”.

So that’s where I am. Lonely. Very depressingly lonely.

I am acting like a person with a mental issue lately…cycling from happy to wanting to die-sad. And while I feel like my friends love me, I don’t really feel it lately…only a handful of them have shown me that they continually support and love me.

I loved being married. Let me clarify, I loved being a wife. I loved the responsibility of taking care of my husband and my home, of building an amazing relationship with another person, of supporting his career. I miss having that confidant to talk to on a daily basis…a person who knows all your fears, insecurities, joys, pains, struggles. I miss having arms wrap around you after a hard day and you feel the love radiating from their body. I miss random sweet kisses on my forward and love letters that popped up around the house. I miss smiles from a person at the very moment they catch a glimpse of your face. I hate feeling lonely, I hate being alone. I hate not having someone that fully loves and appreciates me.

So to say the least, I am struggling. I am finally admitting that I am human, and even though God has shown me miles of amazing lessons, I am now in what seems like a vast valley, walking alone, and completely unhappy with things. I know this is all very normal grieving things I am dealing with, but it is still a miserable place to be…being lonely.

Onslow

2008-05-28T22:16:00.002-04:00

Here is the newest addition to our family...this is Onslow. Technically his Christian Birth Name is William Herbert Pitt the third, but he is know to our family simply as Onslow (or when he's in trouble, Elic Jr-hehe)

My theory on rising gas prices...

2008-05-22T15:45:00.002-04:00

I was struck by this thought...its completely a theory...but what if politicians have secretly struck a deal with the oil-people to drive the prices up, knowing that consumers would drive less therefore reducing the threat of global warming?

I have no basis, or proof, or anything...but I thought, it kinda could make sense.

Glorious Headlights and Bubble Wrapping

2008-05-21T10:04:00.001-04:00

(Background – last year Chris backed into my car with his Land Rover, which left my front right headlight broken and my hood crunched in and scratched. Then a few months later Laura backed into my car, which left a huge dent and multiple scruff marks)

I finally de-ghettoized my car a little. I ordered an entire headlight on Ebay, knowing Chris could take out the broken one and replace it with the new headlight. As I entered the house at lunchtime, I saw a huge box in the kitchen and squealed with delight that it was my new headlight. It was like Christmas at the Brebb household. I tore into the box and layers of blue bubble wrap, and held up the new headlight with pride and joy. It has been such a long time since my car hasn’t looked like trash, so you can imagine my excitement with the thought of a less ghetto-looking car.

Last night after the storms subsided, Chris and I replaced my headlight. I learned two things. One, how to replace a headlight in a 2006 Hyundai Elantra. And Two, I have quite an advantage…because my hands are so small, when the bolts we are trying to screw in, fall, I can reach right in and grab them. After 30 minutes of work, we turned the key in the ignition and began flashing the lights. I was beyond happy.

I shut the hood and inspected my new light. Chris and I both looked at each other a bit confused though, b/c the hood was sticking up more than normal. We couldn’t figure it out, we knew that when he hit it, it made the hood stick up a little, but we were looking at the hood sticking up 2 inches or so. I walked in the house and didn’t think much of it, until Chris came in and said “Sarah, you are such an idiot”. We walked outside and popped the hood, and to my horror, I had shut the hood, with the Mag light still under it!

So later in the evening (as we watched Enchanted and I had the funniest AIM conversation with one of my “bosses/partners/amigos” Josh) I put the box the headlight in and the bubble wrap to the side and told Amanda and Chris not to throw it away b/c I was going to pack things in it. After the movie, I went to bed. I sat on my bed setting my alarm and thinking that my cover was sounding a little crunchy. I wiggled my butt a little and you could definitely hear a crunchy noise. I lifted the blanket, and Amanda had strategically placed a huge piece of bubble wrap in my bed.

I ran in the living laughing saying “Amanda you are so crazy”…then tried to go to bed. As I am arranging my pillow once again I hear the crunchy sound…and Lo and Behold she had put bubble wrap in my pillowcase. I ran in the living room again saying “Amanda you are so funny”…once again tried to go to bed, as I am laying down I hear the crunchy noise again! She had put bubble wrap under my sheets. We all spent about five minutes laughing about Amanda’s ventures into bubble-wrapping my bed. And then I finally was able to go to bed.

These are the things that I will miss about Rocky Mount.

Monkey Wrenches in My Plans

2008-05-19T16:10:00.003-04:00

THANK GOD He knows the plans He has for me...otherwise, I would be in a completely hopeless state!!!!!

Shannon's life insurance claim was denied, leaving me with yet another large bill (specifically a $9,000 funeral bill).

It humors me greatly that this has happened. Don't get me wrong I am very upset and increasingly concerned with how things will work out, but in the midst of this dilema, I read the words I wrote just this morning, and take comfort knowing that God has this all under control.

However, this does change things a bit. My plan to go back to college will now be put on hold until January. One huge blessing will be my new job. When I move, I will be renting from our friends, which greatly reduces my bills, which in turn will help me pay off this sum.

As Justin the guy told me "Sarah, just remember to breathe"...I am repeating my newest mantra "God is in control, God is in control, God is in control"

The year that Shannon died, I saw the Lord

2008-05-19T09:38:00.001-04:00

Situations.

Situations can change everything about your life, particularly bad situations, where hope seems to fade daily. Our pastor once told us that God will speak to us either by using a burning bush or a burning house. How sad that some people have to experience the pain of a burning house for them to see the Lord.

I have floated through this life with my eyes fixed on Jesus, but still continually being distracted by everything around me. When situations seem to overwhelm me I would lose focus of Him. I would begin to be consumed by my situation and how desperately hopeless it is. When the Dr. told me on the phone that he couldn’t help us anymore and we needed to see a specialist to have a baby, I lost my focus. I remember feeling as if the world was collapsing on my head and all my dreams were being thrown into the trash. I argued with God, citing His miracle-working powers and questioning why He wouldn’t touch us in this area. It took losing Shannon for God’s ultimate mercy in this situation to be revealed and for me to realize how truly good God was to me, even when I lost my focus.

There is an amazing story in 1 Kings 19:11-12. Elijah was feeling an intense desperation and he was starting to lose his focus. The passage says “Then he was told, ‘Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.’ A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.”

As I look back on the different circumstances that surrounded my life, I begin to see how God was trying to work on my heart. I mistook our struggle with infertility and Shannon’s death as God trying to speak to me…trying to wake me up. But in truth it was the gentle whisper after the dust had settled that has spoken volumes to my broken heart and awakened me to see the true and intense glory of God. It took a burning house, for me to see the burning bush and to hear God’s whisper.

This past weekend our pastor had a message that I believe was tailor-made just for me. It was based on the passage in Isaiah 6:1 where Isaiah saw the Lord.

“In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.”

Isaiah was giving us a reference point of where his life was when he saw the Lord. He was giving us the historical marker that revealed the biggest moment in his life. Our pastor discussed how we each have a tendency to remember where we were when certain things happened in life. He referenced 9-11 and said that we probably all remember where we were when we found out it was happening. I remember very clearly being in the elevator at ECU and someone talking about the planes that were hijacked. I remember more clearly the fact that I was skipping history class that day, when one of the biggest moments in history was happening at that very moment.

At this point in my life going forward I will always remember the year I saw the Lord. The year I clearly saw the Lord and recognized all His glory and power. The year that Shannon died I saw the Lord. I have found a contentment and peace that can only be described as wonderful. I feel an awakening.

This is my charge to you. My challenge. Try to see the Lord when He is calling to you. I don’t know what your specific situation may be or what struggles you are going through. I don’t know if you feel like you can’t go on and that you are slowly dying on the inside. I don’t know if you feel like you are overwhelmed beyond the point of relief. But whatever you are going through, try to rest in the knowledge that ultimately, God is in control. And this may very well be your season in life where God is calling out to you and asking you to listen to his voice. This may be YOUR year to see the Lord.

Contentment...

2008-05-11T20:31:00.005-04:00

One New Years eve I sat in a group of 10 people and proclaimed my resolution was going to be finding contentment no matter WHAT the circumstances were. In growing up in church, I should've known that you don't make a statement like that because God will slowly and painfully teach you this lesson.

As I look on the past few months I see the hand of God still directing my life and my paths. After Shannon died and all that followed, I thought I was initially handling it well. I see now that I was handling it "ok" but still going through the process of grieving.

1. Shock - I walked around like a zombie for 21 days exactly. That was the time that I refer to as "when my brain was turned off". I don't remember much except either laughing really hard or crying even harder. There were intense dance parties and guitar hero games...and intense bouts of sobbing, sitting at the computer thinking about Shannon.
2. On day 22 I entered into denial. I was in denial that I was actually grieving. I thought that I was done and over with the grieving and that I was in the healing process, but lo and behold...
3. I was angry all the time. I was angry driving, I was angry working, I was angry going to the Walmart. I could seem to stop being angry about everything...money, work, dirty house, etc.
4. And then I was depressed...I was depressed because I was alone. I was depressed because my life was good the way it was. I was depressed because my self esteem disappeared and I struggled to see the beauty that is me.
5. Acceptance...

This is the point where God gently reminds me of my goal of contentment. I can't change the circumstances of what happened with Shannon or the aftermath of it all, but I can change the way that I handle day to day struggles and decisions. When I realized this it was like God unlocked a place in my heart that had been idle for the 2 1/2 months. With every thought and decision I have been reminded that ultimately, God IS IN CONTROL.

Now, I have actively started applying this principle to my life. One of the first things that hit me was the whole concept of dating. Dating. Scary.

Everyone knows that I never dated. It was Shannon and thats it. I wanted to date, and I spent many nights crying because of my lack dating-ness...but God put us together and clearly He had purpose and a plan for our union, and Shannon and I touched alot of people with our love and our testimony. So when I think about the scariness of dating now, and the corruption of our men of God's minds in the whole area of women...I started to freak out. I began comparing myself with every single woman around me and pointing our all my serious flaws. I began obsessing with thinking about how guys see me...physically and personality.

Then God once again gently reminded me that even in this area, I needed to learn to be content. He told me after Shannon died that there was someone else out there for me, but I needed to be patient. I sat and looked at my life and looked at how good was God is to me, I realized that I needed to stop focusing on this area and just put it in His hands. So I have given this area up...the area of my future family. Which made me realize...

This is my 4th Mothers Day being childless. Normally I would've shut myself away and wished the day would pass, but I see this as the Mothers Day that gives me momentary glimpses of God's promises...the promises of Ruth and my life restored.

Back to contentment...God will never give you more than you can handle. But He may give you a situation that will stretch and strengthen you so that you can be more flexible and stronger so you can handle it. In my life, I became complacent in my walk with Christ and it took losing my hsuband to really open my eyes that if I want to live the best life possible I have to give God every area of my life and live in the contentment and peace that God is IN CONTROL. Not me. God is showing me that He has given me a rare and beautiful gift...

I am a 25 year old woman who has learned the lessons of biblical submission as a wife, embodying the proverbs woman in every way, loyalty, strength, joy, the ability to laugh no matter how tough something is, a beautiful marriage that did not last long but still was insanely happy & beautiful, the ability to love myself for all the beauty that God created (because technically I was created in His image) and he's given me the gift of my youth...

I have this rare gift of youth...I have been equipped with knowledge and strength, and now I have the chance to do something with my life. I went to a college graduation this weekend and at that moment I decided that this is what I wanted...I wanted to walk down that field and get my college diploma. This has been my clearest goal yet...something I'm willing to work to make it happen. So as my new life begins to unfold I am excited that God has given me the opportunity to start a new, awesome job, go back to college, and focus of what God wants to do with me. I am content finally with my life and where its going.

Contentment. Thank you Lord for this precious lesson you have taught. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been enjoyable. But you have taken this lump of coal that is my life, put it through the fire and I present to you beautiful diamonds.

***on a side note. A preacher once spoke over me that "the joy of the Lord would be my strength". I hadn't thought about that in years. But as I am getting to know my new bosses, I began to realize that I am probably the most random, complex, and random (emphasis on random) person I know. But its awesome you know? I was created in God's image and He made me this way...I really hadn't thought about it though...the random singing, whistling of the Indiana Jones theme song, my love of Quantum Leap, random facts, love of Nintendo, playing dress up...if you can't laugh at me its okay, I laugh at myself on a daily basis.

Updates

2008-05-06T22:28:00.003-04:00

Once the fog lifts theres nothing really to talk about...

I've dealt pretty heavily with anger, depression and a general dislike of everything about me. I went through a good 3 weeks of not being able to come out of these feelings, and was having a really tough time with being joyful.

I really thought about something though. The Book of Ruth.

How interesting, this woman who was married for 10 years and never had a child AND then lost her husband on top of that. She leaves her land and eventually finds the man of her dreams, gets married, and has a child that is a direct descendant of Jesus.

I think God challenging me to start actively standing on the promises of Ruth. The promises of a life restored. So from now on, I'm starting to see my life going from Considering Job...to Remembering Ruth.

In light of this great epiphany there are more updates to talk about.

I'm moving. THIS IS A GOOD THING. I have decided to take a job with an insurance agency in Lynchburg, VA doing what I do here in Rocky Mount...except I will be working for incredible men of God with an exciting vision for their company, its future, and their employees...going back to school...starting a new life. I'm so excited about all this and so encouraged. I know everyone here will miss me, but I really see God moving mountains and opening doors and I can't help but be excited.

In light of this news, God brought the story of Ruth to me on Saturday night. He reminded me of her story and what happened after it seemed like her world fell apart. So I'm even more encouraged by this...and excited...and so HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woo Hoo for Wednesday

2008-04-30T17:19:00.004-04:00

Once you get started its hard to stop. I probably took AT LEAST 100 pictures of myself hoping to capture that one picture that would make me step back and say "ahhh".

ha ha ha

The Legend of Bret-Jr the Hedgehog

2008-04-21T21:17:00.002-04:00

On Sunday morning we all woke up and went about our separate ways. I noticed right before lunch that there was a plastic hedgehog sitting on the porch. I didn't think much of it, thinking Amanda and Chris had taken it out of their car. Later that day Amanda asked in passing if I had put the hedgehog on the porch.

The rest of the afternoon we spent asking all of our friends if they had given us the hedgehog and everyone said no...we had almost given up, when we got a knock on the door at 11:06pm and Brandie looked at us and said "did you like the hedgehog?" hahaha

She said her and Bret were at Walmart and remembered that I said that I wanted a hedgehog so they got me this hedgehog that we have dubbed "Bret Jr".

The End.

SARAH December 25, 2006

2008-04-17T09:43:00.001-04:00

“Word cant express the hurt I feel for you right now. I want so bad to give you a child and to make things better and fulfill your dream of a family. I want you to know that I love you more deeply than anyone on this earth. You are my queen and the love of my life. I don’t know how to help you through this other than pray. I’m at a loss right now because no amount of encouragement, counsel or wisdom seems to be helping and I feel helpless, brokenhearted and true compassion and sympathy for you. I just want you to know that we are in this together. I will do my best to be a support and help as you deal with the emotions and disappointment so far. When you hurt, I hurt. I love you my baby, and will forever be here for you. I wish I could solve this whole thing for you. I wish I could change the way things are. But I’m not God. I am however someone who loves you more deeply than anyone on this earth, and nothing will ever change that. You are the reason I smile and I pray that you find comfort in the fact that I love you and am praying for you. My concern and my love runs deep, but not as deep as the fathers love. I know in time you will truly know how deep, how wide, how high His love is for you. And as you find peace in His love, even though it may be hard to see, feel, or even recognize right now, the very heart of God will be revealed to you through a child. I am here for you, your adoring husband, Shannon”
Today. Would’ve been 3 years of trying to have a baby…No words can express the emotions I feel as I write out this letter. I found this yesterday in my Bible and read it and realized how much I think Shannon actually knew of what would come in the future…Jesus rose from the grave after 3 days…I’m rising from a grave too, except mind has been for 3 years and now I can live again. I walk in joy as these grave clothes fall from my broken body, revealing a re-born and resurrected life, waiting to be lived.

Happy Birthday Greg

2008-04-16T17:55:00.003-04:00

To my favorite hispanic ever - Happy Birthday G-dawg

Amanda made this amazing cake...seriously. She had never made a cake with Fondant before and decided to experiment...$43.65 later she discovered that just MAYBE you need to have a little experience with Fondant before attempting to make the most amazing cake in the world.

But we all ate it with happy looks on our face. The main topic of conversation involved a heavy discussion of the difference between Hispanics and Latinos...including a geography lesson of where different people come from.

Excerpt :
Amanda - "so where do hispanics come from?"
Greg - "um...Spain"
Amanda - "oh"

Oh where oh where has my self esteem gone?

2008-04-14T22:44:00.005-04:00

I made a horrid discovery last week. I, Sarah Webb, who once has self confidence, found myself staring down at my life discovering that my self esteem has disappeared. Its true. All of the sudden my self esteem went and hid somewhere far from my sight. I spent years building up my love of myself...I am not talking about a selfish, conceited love...but an appreciation of who I am - as a person, an employee, a wife, a sister, etc.

I had a rough childhood. From the very beginning I did not fit in with my peers. I was always overweight. I hit puberty in the 4th grade, leaving me as the awkward kid in my class...the one who had acne and the one who was "fat". If that didn't make things worse my nose definitely took the cake on making me an oddball. My nose was huge, and my face not huge with it. I suffered through the taunts of other kids calling me "big nose" and picking on me because I wore hand-me-downs. Through these tough years I became increasingly self-critical of my appearance. I cringed when I looked in the mirror begging God to make me beautiful, or at least pretty enough that the other kids wouldn't pick on me. I cried on more than one occasion when the boys in the class made fun of me, when all I wanted was a boyfriend.

This total self-hatred followed me through high school and eventually subsided when I hit college. At least in college I surrounded by other misfits and I didn't feel so left out. It was only when I expressed my affection for my best guy friend and he turned it around to ask out my best friend...it was only then that I truly discovered that I hated being me.

All the years of sitting on the sidelines and being the oddball. I felt ugly. I looked ugly. And this view of my self overflowed into my life, making my attitude unbearable. In truth these self-hatred kept me from ever really drawing near to God. I blamed Him for all the taunts and the loneliness.

Eventually after I met Shannon, I became more settled in who I was. Learning that if someone could love my faults, I could love my faults. I had finally forgave God for making me this horrid creature and really started to love myself.

But things change, Shannon dies. I'm stuck again thinking about how much I hate seeing myself. I look in the mirror and critique my appearance nonstop. I feel myself crawling back into the shell that I discarded years ago...falling back into old habits. So now, I am coming to a place of recognition that I have a problem. My self-esteem is disappearing and I need to do something about it.

Then wise-Nolan comes into the pictures and gives me a pep talk...he tells me that I don't need to care what other people think about me...that if my attitude shows that I love myself, other people will love me too. It was simple truths and yet it spoke volumes into what I was feeling. And from that moment I felt like I started to mend this broken self-esteem of mine. I am slowly realizing that my beauty is from the inside out and that the light of Christ in me makes me the most beautiful person in the world. I have gone into the valley only to re-emerge and find beauty in what I thought was lost. I know that I don't have to fret about how people view me. God holds my future and my destiny in His hands, and He arrange who I am to meet, and eventually be with. Its this time now that I am being beckoned to come forth and really seek God and find Him. In light of this new declaration of my purpose, I went and bought the book Rachel read "Don't waste your life". I read the first chapter and was immediately alerted to the fact that this book will change my life...This book will encourage me to make the most of myself. This book will teach me how to live again...

Self-esteem is a very precious lesson to learn and to practice. Having a positive self-image impacts your life is so many ways. You never realize it though, until its missing and you sit writing your blog trying to grasp and re-learn the art of loving oneself.

This is Sarah Webb. And she is one sexy beast...remember that. Because sometimes she may need reminding...

Virginia is full of beauty...

2008-04-14T00:18:00.003-04:00

To go into further one of my WW pictures....

2008-04-10T22:22:00.003-04:00

I didn't really put the meanings of the different pictures I chose. This picture actually means alot to me, and is in a way a tribute. You see the three things in this picture are all memories of Shannon. The painting in the background is a painting that Amanda did for Shannon for Christmas. He hated at first, but then came to love it so incredibly much that he absolutely had to have it hang above the fireplace. The flowers in the picture are "Yellow-Belles". This is actually the spray we had on his casket. I will always look at the Yellow-Belle in the front yard and remember Shannon...it bloomed the week he died. Every yellow-belle I see reminds me of him. And finally the Willow Tree figurine. Amanda bought this for me before Shannon died. The girl is spreading her arms wide open with an expression of joy and freedom, and on her arms are little birds. Shannon was obsessed with birds. He was always so excited when he would see a hawk. Amanda said to me I would cry when I saw the figurine, and she was right. I look at that little figurine on my fireplace and think of Shannon.

Just a little background on that picture.

I'm Pretty Sure...

2008-04-10T09:30:00.001-04:00

That Racquetball is my favorite thing of all time...

So here goes...

2008-04-08T20:56:00.003-04:00

So lets see if I can do this...My color was obviously red...I like red. It always stands out.

How Sampson is Dealing...

2008-04-05T12:48:00.002-04:00

So we all thought at first that Sampson was doing well with the fact that Shannon was gone. He seemed to be dealing well with it. But we've noticed the last few day that he isn't doing so well...We have caught him smoking and picking up prostitutes and doing drugs...the proof is below...

We've talked about it and Sampson is going to Encounter this weekend...(Disclaimer - Sampson was not injured in the making of these photographs...and the "drugs" is really Splenda)

To Really See the Hands of God...

2008-04-02T21:38:00.013-04:00

"Into Your hands I commit my spirit,
redeem me, Oh Lord, the God of Truth"

Psalm 31:5 So many people have made the comment that I am "strong" and they marvel at "my strength". In truth, this "strength" that I have is not me. Its something deeper than me. Something further than me. Its something that sustains me and can sustain you. This strength I walk in daily and find my comfort and peace was pre-ordained at this very moment for me. This strength that I have needed was prepared for me well in advance.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and to not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future..." Jeremiah 29:11

I wanted to share the story of how gracious and good God is to me. Well before Shannon died, God prepared my heart for the very moment of Shannon's passing. There are things about the time before he died that will really show the greatness and mercy of God. There are ten things that God revealed to me about Shannon dying...things revealed years ago, things revealed not so long ago...each thing though bore a lesson for me to learn and brought a comfort to me in a time where most people crumble under the grief.

1. The Mantle. Years ago I came to the realization that God was passing the Mantle of Keith Green on to me. Keith Green has always been one of my favorite musicians. The first song I ever learned on the piano was a Keith Green song. When I was a senior I did a report on Keith Green's amazing life and untimely death. I had settled it in my heart that God was passing on the passion and talent of Keith Green to me. I had commented this to Shannon quite often and made the observation that Shannon's music was similar to Keith Green's in his chord structure, lyrics, spirit, etc. Shannon had said to me that he felt that when God said that the mantle was being passed to me, that it was really our union and ministry. Keith Green was at the height of his ministry and success when he died at 29.

2. The Revelation. When we got married God revealed to me that Shannon and I would only have 7 years. I never shared this with Shannon, because Shannon was so convinced that we would be together for 50 years or more. But each time Shannon would get sick, my heart would be reminded of the revelation that God revealed to me. He let me begin the preparations in my heart for losing the love of my life.

3. The Example. One of my favorite books is "Through the Gates of Splendor" by Elisabeth Elliot. I actually got the opportunity to meet Elisabeth Elliot years ago and did not know the full depths of the amazing woman of God I was meeting. I read her book after I met her. She lost her husband, and her book bears witness to her devotion to God and how she handled her life afterwards. I have had Elisabeth Elliot listed as my hero on my myspace page for years.

4. The Mirror Image. One of my favorite books of all time is "Maggie-Now" by Betty Smith. In a nutshell, Maggie-Now marries a man, they can't have a baby and eventually he dies. The books is written so beautifully that you feel like you are a part of the story. I have read this book probably a dozen times...I came to the realization that I was so similar to Maggie-Now a few weeks.

5. The Preparation. Its no secret. On April 17th of this year we would've been trying to get pregnant for 3 very long years. I am the type of person when you go through some major life issue, I read every book I can put my hands on and do as much research as humanly possible. I had read in several places that dealing with infertility was similar to working through the grief process. So for almost 3 years, I have learned the grief process and put into practice recognizing the signs and how to call them as they are and deal with them. Every single month, I went through this process. I was mentally building up the ability to handle traumatic situations and to see God through the situations. Now that I look back I thank God that we did not have a child. God knew that I couldn't handle being a single mother. He also gave us 4 1/2 beautiful years of an awesome marriage.

6. The Feeling. 3 weeks before Shannon died, I had this random, eerie internal conversation where I said to myself "I hope Shannon doesn't die" Then I talked myself through what I would do if he ever died. I think the movie "PS I Love You" or "Catch and Release" triggered this conversation in my head. I didn't think much of it at the time and just brushed it off. God let me start to think about the what-ifs...

7. The Contentment. On New Years Eve I made the public proclamation that in 2008 I would content in WHATEVER happened. I put that into practice and started leaning more on God and focusing less on the whole baby issue. Shannon and I began a merging of our souls, where we truly became one person. Our individual goals become our common goals. Our thoughts were centered on Christ and Each other. Our relationship had gone to an amazing new level.

8. The Peace. The day before Shannon left for Virginia, he stood in the kitchen exclaiming to me that he was in the best place he had ever been in his life. He said he was doing better mentally, physically (even using the phrase "that stomach stuff is way behind me now"), and spiritually. He said that for the first time in a very long time he was walking with God. When you lose someone you love, there's always that uneasiness about where they "go'. I had no question in my head about it. I knew that God had been preparing Shannon for his final departure. That god had arranged people in his path to encourage him and spiritually lift him up. He lived the last 2 months of his life with intense integrity, indescribable peace, and unstoppable faith.

9. The Promise. Years ago we went on a Sunday School trip to the mountains where a pastor spoke over me. I wrote down what he said. It never made sense until Shannon died. I'm only going to put bits and pieces of it, but you can totally get the picture...

"...you shall see my power and my anointing flow through you...I have set you on this path and it is my desire to lead you and guide you into the fullness of my will for your life...follow my peace, follow my peace, and I shall lead and guide you in the things that still lie ahead. For you too this is a day of restoration. That which you've seen to consider lost, I still hold. Those things that have been trampled over and seem gone forever are still able in me...look for those things to be restored...so do not give up or give out, For I pour in today so that you may pour out"

10. The Future. God has spoken in my heart things about my future. Things that only He and I know. But He has given me a promise and a hope of what is to come.

I stand amazed at the steps that God has ordered during this situation. God gave me 10 confirmations that this whole situation, as dire as it may appear...is completely in His hands. I see myself sitting in his hands...surrounded by His ten fingers... I sit in the palm of His hands, surrounded by his peace...He gave me these ten things to comfort and bring me hope about my future and my destiny. He gave me these promises and warnings and feelings so that I could prepare my heart for this event in my life. This event that drives people to the point of death and despair, this even that leaves people broken and lost forever...God has given me a supernatural peace and an insane faith to take what seems to a bad situation and has shown me that no matter what I do, what I feel, where I go...God is in control and everything is going to be okay.

Most people take 12-18 months to really start healing from a traumatic situation like this. I thank God that I can say I am walking in that healing and my faith is being perfected through this. So I leave one final thought...right before the Sunday school trip, God lead me to a series of verses that revealed a huge message for me...for anyone really...

He IS our peace.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life...Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with you all...I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances...Therefore strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet so that you may not be disabled, but rather healed...Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you...I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety"

"

A Letter to Jessica, Re:Guitarded Out

2008-04-01T09:32:00.001-04:00

Dear Jessica :

Remember how we played Guitar Hero 3 all Sunday morning? Amanda and Chris continued to play (while skipping church) and then we played all afternoon. We eventually beat the game on Easy, and it unlocked all these wonderful songs. Well, we started to play the game on Medium and we played a cumulative 10 hours between Saturday and Sunday, making progress and beating songs.

On Monday, the unthinkable happened. Someone turned off the Playstation while it was loading the memory card, and we lost ALL of our progress. Do you know how upset I was to come home and find that our band was gone and none of the songs we unlocked were up there anymore. We had to start from scratch. Every song, every level, everything was GONE. I'm so lost now...I don't even feel like playing that game anymore, and we all know thats the worst state of mind to be in.

Love,Sarah - the Low Carb Guitar Hero and possibly even a Ninja

The Love of Christ...

2008-04-01T00:20:00.003-04:00

how good it is.
even in times of
no understanding.
and storms.
it remains.
even when hope
seems far away
it remains.

I am only human. And I don't pretend to understand it all. I step back from my life and take it all in. I step back and realize that I am not in control. I can feel God speaking to me in little things...I can feel Him as if He is right here.

I sat listening to worship music tonight and really thought about God. Just sat and concentrated on God. I imagined myself walking on a beach and God was in the ocean beckoning me to come to Him. I lift my hands and He parts the ocean and I walk towards him. Even as I write this, ironically I'm listening to the last song Shannon wrote before he died "...the ocean seems to beckon you, revealing things you thought you knew, creation moving effortlessly, by music you were meant to sing..." I stand amazed at how God seems to arrange divine appointments and moments...moments of true faith and understanding, moments where peace comes at you and you can't do anything but just breathe. I stand and realize that every moment and trial in my life was arranged and orchestrated specifically which moments in my life in mind.

I stand at a place in my life where I am literally clinging to each hope God has given me and begging that this understand I have started to attain stay close to me. This is the moment where I surrender all...

The blog with no title.

2008-03-30T22:29:00.005-04:00

Happy Birthday Sweetie...

2008-03-30T19:03:00.002-04:00

I found these pictures while going through my memory cards....great memories.

An Afternoon with the Guitardos

2008-03-30T18:49:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday Shannon

2008-03-30T00:25:00.001-04:00

It is 12:24am. Shannon would've been 35 today.

Its been such a strange month. I feel like I've lived most of it in a haze. When I thought I was making progress, all of the sudden I have another Lazarus-Shannon dream. I am sitting on the couch with him and he isn't sick yet. He's just smiling at me...then he's dead. But in my dream Ryan is trying to convince me that he is getting better, even though he's dead.

How odd.

Tonight was definitely a test of my faith. Even though I'm technically single and not trying for a baby anymore, it still hurts to feel the sting of infertility and finding out other people are pregnant. God is definitely going to have to help my heart get through that part. Its one thing to battle infertility or to go through losing a loved one, but to face both seems like an unsurmountable mountain to face...God give me the strength to face the mountain. I see it all in perspective now...the whole battle with infertility. It was never a battle to begin with, it was all apart of God's bigger plan. How blessed I am to not have gotten pregnant, only to lose my husband and become a single mom. It still hurts, but in knowing God's plan for me, it hurts a whole lot less.

I think that God is also awakening to new passion for the outdoors. I want to do awesome stuff that I have never really thought about --- base jumping, mountain climbing, swimming with the manatees, canoeing, etc. I feel a need to live and to really make my life count. I want to make goals and plans and live my life to the fullest, free of fear.

Its also weird too now when I have to put my status...single, married, other, complicated...I want to put married, even though I'm technically single. When I fill out applications I get thrown off by what to put...its so strange to go from being happily married to being a widow. Its weird. Its really really really weird. To be connected to a person and then all of the sudden to be completely free again. Its really the weirdest feeling I've ever had.

God give me some more peace...

Guitar Hero and the celebration of all things Video-Game

2008-03-30T00:13:00.004-04:00

Being an Adult.

2008-03-27T10:24:00.001-04:00

How odd to become so much of an adult in a year.

After my house’s birthday yesterday, I thought about how much had transpired in the last 12 months. How much of an “adult” I had to become.

When we started the home buying process, everyone at work kept making the comments that now I was an adult. Having the responsibility of owning your own home comes with the title of being an adult. After we bought the house, Shannon and I prepared the house for our children we were to have. We painted the “baby’s room” and started collecting baby items. We worked to organize, clean, and make our house a beautiful, inviting home.

Then comes October. My Dr. tells us that he can’t help us anymore and we need to see the specialist. I’ve written about this several times…we couldn’t afford the specialist and mentally we couldn’t deal with the emotional stress of not being able to conceive. I had to become more of an adult and accept the fact that I may never be a mother.

Then comes February 24th. I didn’t hear from my husband for hours, so I called his best friend to see where they were. He muttered the words I dreaded hearing “we’re at the emergency room, he’s sick again…with the pancreatitis”. Initially I thought that it was a mild case and that Shannon would get better quick and then be on the way home, but as February 25th rolled around, I knew that wasn’t the case. As I walked into his ICU room I knew something was oddly worse about this particular case. He was breathing so rapidly and looked extremely disoriented. He never even realized I was there with him. Eventually he lost consciousness and they felt like putting him on a ventilator would protect his body from just giving out.

Each day we waited, we prayed. Each Dr. consultation we were given hope and then given worse news. He had developed a serious complication called DIC, which I later read on Wikipedia is nicknamed, “Death is Coming”. I sat in his room on Thursday, encouraged by the fact that he seemed to be getting better, when all of the sudden the dialysis nurse looked at the other nurse and said “why is his blood pressure going up so fast?” It was approximately 350/200 and within seconds it was 70/20. I was watching the beginning of the end. After they had stabilized him, I walked into the room and knew that my husband was gone. I could look at him and tell that he was with the Lord. The first thought I had was “to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord”. All I saw was the shell of a great life that was lived and was now slowly dying.

When the Dr came in for that final consult I knew at that moment I was once again becoming an adult. My husband had bled into his brain and he was essentially dead. The machines were keeping him alive. How odd to be in a room hearing these harsh truths, and yet being comforted by a great peace. The peace of God. I rushed out of the consult room and went into Shannon’s room, shut the curtain and just began to thank God for the life we had together and for the person Shannon had become and for the husband he had been to me.

My husband died with me hugging him and kissing his face. Up until this point, I have not talked about how he died. He died in my arms with me trying to remember every smell and every feeling of his face. His ears, his nose, his mouth, his eyebrow. Trying to remember every minute detail of his face. I remember watching the machines as his vital signs slowly went down. I remember the minute that his heart rate clicked to 0 and his blood pressure stopped. I remember looking at him and thanking God that I knew where my husband was at that moment.

I walked out of that room an adult. A Widow at 25. A Barren Widow at 25.

More adult decisions – funeral arrangements, legal hassles, death certificates.

So here I am desperately clinging to the hope of a life restored. Shannon always talked about how much like Job he was. Losing everything but still clinging to God. I feel like Job. It feels like I have lost it all and been tried. I feel like God has said “this is my servant Sarah, she has been found righteous…go ahead throw what you have at her”. I have lost my children, my husband, my life. But I refuse to not praise God. I refuse to look at this situation and indulge in self-pity. I will stand and fight. Because I know that I have a God that has promised that the things I considered lost, He will restore.

So I stand at this crossroads of life. A Barren, 25 year old Widow. All I can do is cling tight to the promises of God…

Happy Birthday House

2008-03-26T22:27:00.002-04:00

Today I celebrate my first year of living in my house. A year ago we closed on our little castle (appropriately re-named "Lindor Manor"). So today I celebrate by : cleaning your yard cutting your grass, fixing your fence, and sweeping your sidewalk.

In other news...my newest odd thing...I keep getting hives. Everywhere. Ithy, swollen hives...maybe from the stress? Possibly..who knows.

When the devil gives you a lemon filled day, God gives you Lemon-Aids

2008-03-24T22:49:00.001-04:00

My day was rough to say the least. Racing to the church, trying my hardest to not cry or kill someone...hands shaking and cold from the blood that drained out of them...

After all this, here comes the calvary with a pack of Camel cigarettes (haha) and a Super Nintendo just for me.

God must have a serious sense of humor for giving me such wonderful family and friends that know me so well...

My brain is finally saying goodbye...

2008-03-21T09:23:00.002-04:00

I noticed starting Wednesday that I was functioning alot more normal, and less "zombie-like". Up until this point it felt like the clock was going in slow motion, and yet the next day it felt like the previous day had flown by. Then I had my first non-Lazarus Shannon dream.

Yesterday, I went and talked to a Christian Counselor. He pulls out his grief counselling booklet and starts asking me a bunch of questions that I had already asked myself. I explained to him about going through infertility treatments and the knowledge I had gained from that experience, and then I explained all the wonderful things that came out of this situation -all the miracles God performed. Then I told him about the confirmations that God had given me on my life being in His complete control and how God was going to use me in this situation. After all was said and done, the counsellor said that he felt like I was doing good...that I was knowledgeable on the grieving process and he just reminded to watch for certain things. Even when he wrote down the stages of grief (numbness, denial, anger, depression, grieving) he said he didn't know which one I was in...I think that I am stuck in between depression and grieving. Most people take months to get through each one, but I can tell you the day that I went through each...There are days that I hit some of these over and over, but for the most part I think God is healing my heart and my mind now, and I'm starting to grieve.

Then last night, I had another dream. A dream where I was fully aware that Shannon was dead and my dream was me living life. I think that was my signal that my brain was finally saying goodbye...a dream where Shannon wasn't sick or coming back from the dead, but this dream I was fully aware that he was dead and not coming back.

I know there will be good days and bad days on his road ahead. But God has made it very clear to me in so many ways, to lean on Him, because He's the one directing my paths.

Finally

2008-03-20T08:18:00.001-04:00

Last night I had my first official non-Lazarus-Shannon dream. He wasn't sick, he wasn't coming back from the dead. He kissed me and then went to the studio.

It was probably the best dream I've had in a month...

"to dream the impossible dream..."

2008-03-12T09:06:00.002-04:00

And the dreams go on...like clockwork every other night I'm dreaming about Shannon and different outcomes that I wish could happen.

Three nights ago I dreamed that Shannon was sent to an Amish hospital and he was getting better. I remember going into his room and him talking and smiling and e tlling him all about the wonderful things that had happened while he was in the hospital, like his nephews visiting and his son coming to see him. Most of all I was able to say "I love you" and hear it back with a smile.

Last night I dreamed that Shannon had been dead for a couple of days and he was still in the hospital room. I accidentally nudged his head with my foot and he started breathing very slowly. I looked at the Drs and asked them if that was just a muscle reaction and they said that it was, and then Shannon opened his eyes and said something like, "I'm really breathing!"... they went into action putting him into the bed and giving him some oxygen. And again I looked at him and I said "I love you" and he said it back to me with a smile. The rest of the dream were people visiting him and looking at him in awe of his Lazarus experience.

The most recurrent thing I'm feeling is that my subconscious or God or something is having Dream-Shannon tell me he loves me. I think its either because I need to hear it or its because the last thing my husband and I exchanged over the phone before, the very last thing he responded to me about, was me complaining about the dog pooping on the floor and getting very angry. I wish to God that when I got to the hospital, Shannon had been conscious enough that I could've at least told him I loved him and he could've understood what I was saying.

My mind is a rollercoaster. I'm functioning okay one minute and then the next I just want to crumple on the floor and not get up. I keep asking myself if Shannon can see me, what would he want me to be doing? Then I tell myself that Shannon is in heaven, fishing with Jesus and his Grandfather and that he's not sick, not mentally unbalanced, and he's happy.

But my heart still isn't happy. I miss my best friend.

Oh and a few posts back when I talked about the whole baby thing and the irony of dates. I figured out that when Shannon died we had been trying for a baby for 34 almost 35 months, and Shannon would've been 35 in a few weeks. Thats God's sense of humor giving me one last thing to "laugh" at about the whole baby thing.

I need some prayer. Specifically that God would help me to be content through all this and to find joy in life. Even though its hard to imagine life without Shannon.

So Far...

2008-03-08T02:43:00.002-05:00

Its 2:43am and I am suffering from vivid dreaming followed by intense insomnia. I cannot sleep. I cannot get comfortable enough to sleep. I just sit with my eyes wide open.

The dreams I had were incredibly vivid. I first dreamed that Shannon was home from the hospital, but he still had all the tubes attached to him. I dreamed he looked at me and said "after my shower I'm going down to the snack bar". I touched his face and I said to him "its nice being with Jesus, right?" and he just smiled really big and nodded, so I started removing the tubes and ventilator from him one by one and I just remember him smiling really big and closing his eyes. Then I dreamed that the Dr was saying they were going to remove him from the ventilator and I would be able to experience it with him...they hooked the machine up through me and I remember feeling Shannon's heart beating and slowing down and eventually coming to a stop. The Drs said, "Sarah, his heart has stopped, but you have a strong heart and you will keep going".

I think I needed that first dream just for me to see his face one more time and for me to see him smiling. But now its hitting me just how much I miss him. I sat here in my insomnia induced thinking wishing I could feel him kiss me one more time and thinking how much I just want to feel hold me one more time. I feel like my heart is absolutely breaking and I can't do a thing about it.

You know...

2008-03-07T10:21:00.000-05:00

I will probably step back from blogging for a bit. Without Shannon there's not much to blog about. Unless you are interested in the healing process...haha.

Thanks for all your words of prayer and encouragement. It has really meant alot to me.

LOVE,Sarah (Jovi and Sampson)

To Dream the Impossible Dream...

2008-02-18T19:51:00.002-05:00

Well. Its 2008. A time for new dreams. A time to refocus your life. A time of reflection.

God has put a new dream in my heart here lately. At first I thought it was just something I would like to try...more or less a hobby. But the more I hear music, the more I'm sure that God has given me a new dream.

The problem is, every time someone hears about it, or whenever I talk about it to my husband, all I get in return is chuckles.

So without further adieu, here it is.

I want to be a breakdancer.

I'm not joking. I'm not playing. I'm not being silly. I seriously with everything in me want to break dance. I find myself doing the robot around the office. And when I know that no one is looking at me in cubby, I will do dance moves. I drive around town dancing my seat. And my goal right now is to learn how to do a head spin.

I know, its sad. Not sad, its more or less kinda strange. But as my Dad always says...God IS a strange God. And I can only imagine Him laughing at me dancing...especially when I think no one is watching, He is ALWAYS watching.

There were some famous dancers in the bible...David danced before the Lord...Miriam danced once the Israelites crossed the Red Sea...so I figure that dancing can be an expression of pure joy and thanks to God for creating me.

So with that...I keep my eye on the prize. And I can almost see that head spin coming to pass...

King Arthur summed it up...

2008-02-11T12:25:00.000-05:00

In the movie "First Night" with Richard Gere and Sean Connery, as King Arthur lay there dying and Queen Guinevere smiles on him he says "...So this is what it feels like to have the sun shining down on me..."

That pretty much sums up how I felt yesterday with our puppies. I couldn't take enough pictures of them playing. Their favorite toy at that moment were the bits of stuffing from the neighbors dog's torn up bed (green fuzz covered the neighborhood...that stuff spreads quick) and the other favorite toy for them to play tug-of-war was a plastic spatula that somehow found.

We have two of the most precious wonderful dogs in the world....

Jovi's Firsts...

2008-02-06T12:54:00.001-05:00

I thought it would be fun to list Jovi's firsts this past week...it was a VERY busy week for her.

On Sunday she smiled for the first time...really big with teeth and ears back doggy smile. We also learned that she prefers the outdoors much more than inside...she loves being outside and rolling around in the grass and playing hide and go seek. When she smiles we noticed that one of her ears is perked up a little higher than the other one...totally the cutest thing ever...

On Wednesday she finally figured out what the command "get in your bed" means...now she goes right to her kennel when we tell her to... (Sampson does too, trying to get treats)

On Tuesday she jumped up on the bed for the first time ever...all by herself. At that point Shannon and I burst into laughter and applause and she just looked confused...and Sampson got mad because we were showing her more attention...

Hallowuary ... Halloween in February

2008-02-06T12:49:00.001-05:00

What happens when you get several bored people at Sarah's house...we celebrate Hallowuary!

Sarah Vs. the Treadmill Beast

2008-01-21T11:36:00.001-05:00

On Sunday my family got together for lunch at my moms house. After feasting on baked chicken, rice, green beans, and the most unusually shaped corn bread (mine looked like a fish), we gathered around the TV to watch my newest favorite movie “Kickin’ It Old School”. James went off to Lowes to fix the bathroom toilet and after the movie Amanda, Chris, Shannon and I decided to try to break dance. So we cleared the living room floor and gathered around trying to do head spins and funky dance moves. Mom came in and immediately yelled at us and said for us to do that stuff in our own home. So we all sat down and became bored, so the jokester that I am decided it was time to get on the treadmill and exercise.

I made the offbeat comment that I would like to try to run on the highest level possible on the treadmill. Shannon is shaking his head at me saying “Sarah, you will fall off and hit the cabinet and break all your moms eggs”, Mom said “Sarah don’t do that you’ll hurt yourself”, and Amanda & Chris, my caring, compassionate, and loving sister and brother in law were chanting “Do it! Do it! Do it!” So I decided at that moment to risk broken limbs and embarrassment and run on the highest level of the treadmill.

So, I clipped the safety strap to my pants, which would unplug and stop the machine if I fell and I balanced myself and got ready for the run of my life.

I started slow to “Warm up” and planted both my hands firmly on the sidebars of the machine. With one quick whoosh, I flicked the switch all the way up to the highest level and began my run. There was nothing funniest than my nubby legs going back and forth like a cartoon character on the treadmill. I figured that I could keep running at that pace if I distributed most of my weight on the bars of the treadmill.

I felt like a queen. I was running like a real athlete, amongst the cheers of my family (and mom screaming “you need to stop Sarah!”). And then it hit me…my hands were frozen, my legs were tired and I couldn’t move anything to make the machine stop. I started screaming “SOMEONE HELP ME!!!” Shannon sat there absentmindedly just staring at me, not connecting what I was trying to get done. I kept screaming for help, Amanda and Chris kept laughing, and mom jumped up with lightning quick speed and complete horror in her eyes as she imagined me falling off and crashing into her Egg-cabinet. She flicked the button of the machine off and I sat there almost wetting my pants laughing, and so was everyone else…we all were laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes.

The comments after that were “Sarah, I didn’t think you could do it”, Moms comment: “You really scared me when you couldn't hold on any longer. I didn't think I would make it there to turn it off in time. I was impressed that you could stay on as long as you did.”
And that is the story of how I tamed the Treadmill Beast.

The Path to Pregnancy...

2008-01-15T09:49:00.000-05:00

When we first start trying I though it would just “happen”…I had always known in my heart we would have some degree of difficulty getting pregnant, but Shannon had taught me to have faith and believe. And countless people had prayed over us to be fertile and be able to conceive. So 55 days later and a positive pregnancy, I sit trying my hardest to convince the Doctor that “no, I’m not making this up” and that I’m not “inventing” the positive pregnancy test, but as God would will it, day 56 rolled around and so my hopes of that being our months went down the drain.

This is not a pity me story and I’m not depressed. I just find it highly hilarious at the number of times I’ve told God that this would be the most awesome timing and I thought writing down the randomness which is my thought process would shed some light on my overactive imagination. And ultimately, God is in control and I realize that to the fullest…I just think its funny when we, his children, decide that our timing is better than his and the ways we reason this with him. So without further delay, here’s THE LIST.

September 2005 - Month 5 – “God this would be the absolute perfect timing. We’ve been trying to five months now and it would be such a great anniversary present to tell Shannon that we are having a baby”
March 2006 – Month 11 – “God it would be so perfect to find out we’re pregnant this month. We’ve been trying for 11 months AND its Shannon’s birthday. It would be such a joy to be able to tell him we’re pregnant for his birthday”
September 2006 – Month 17 – “God once again, the timing would be perfect for a baby…it’s our anniversary. That would be such a great gift to be able to tell Shannon we’re pregnant”
December 2006 – Month 20 – “God, all my step siblings are pregnant. It would be such a great Christmas for James to be able to have almost all his kids pregnant at the same time”
January 2007 – Month 21 – “God, I’ve gotten off Clomid in faith that you would make us pregnant…because we are trying in faith, this would be such an awesome month”
March 2007 – Month 23 – “God, its Shannons birthday again, and it would be so great to tell him we’re pregnant and we just bought a house with an extra bedroom that we’ve painted as the baby’s room…the timing is perfect!”
April 2007 – Month 24 – “God, Laura just had her baby. I sat by and was supportive and this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. I’ve been faithful God and you said that you reward the faithful. I’ve sat by and watched 100 babies be born to all my friends and I’m ready now…”
September 2007 – Month 29 – “God, I’ve been on my diet now for months and I’ve lost weight and gotten my blood sugar and PCOS under control. I’m taking Femara and I really have faith that this is the month you want us to find out we’re pregnant”
October 2007 – Month 30 – “God, I guess I got on the medicine and it wasn’t in your will. But this is month 30 of trying and Jesus started his ministry when he was 30 and it would be so awesome and such a testimony to get pregnant at month 30”
December 2007 – Month 32 – “God, its been 2 ½ years now and I would really love to tell Shannon on Christmas we’re pregnant…”
January 2008 – Month 33 – “God, 33 months! Jesus was 33 when His ministry was complete, maybe you wanted us to wait 33 months. The timing would be some wonderful”

So here it is…on Thursday we will be celebrating 33 months of trying for a baby. Through this journey I have prayed more, been angry more, been depressed more, had more faith that I’ve ever had and still no baby…I’ve watched almost every friend I have, have a baby and one more than one occasion I was the one helping with throwing the baby shower, arranging bringing them dinner, and holding their hands as they nervously walked through their pregnancies.

This month though, I celebrate how great life is and even though we have no child, we do have the following :

An awesome kick-tail house
A wonderful, well behaved Dog
A beautiful, rambunctious puppy
Two working vehicles
A refrigerator that doesn’t leak
Jobs that we both love

So, with these blessings in mind, I thank God that he’s brought me to this place of peace and enjoyment of what we do have.

More Random things I found on Moms Computer...

2008-01-13T18:35:00.001-05:00

Bored at Moms...

2008-01-13T18:07:00.000-05:00

Well, since we don't have internet and I'm banned from internet at work I have to do all my blogging at one time. Since we don't have a kid and I've already posted my beautiful pictures of Jovi, I got a little nosy and stumbled upon these pictures from Amanda's wedding.

Man, I was heffer-licious.

Priceless

2008-01-13T17:58:00.001-05:00

Time it took to orchestrate the four of us getting together : approximately 6 weeks

Time we had to get the picture taken : 30 minutes

Cost to take the picture : Free (Mom did it)

The fun we had goofing off while actually taking the pictures : priceless

More Jovial Pictures...

2008-01-13T17:44:00.000-05:00

The first few days we had Jovi, Samspon REFUSED to go anywhere near her. He couldn't figure out what this "thing" was that kept sleeping in his Mommy and Daddy's lap. We tried bribing him, forcing him to smell her, anything we could think of we tried...You know its bad the minute he see her and he decided to "mark his territory" on the Christmas Tree/presents.

We seriously had to join together in prayer that he would warm up to her...and thank God he did. Now the problem is they can't stop playing longer than 5 minutes at a time. They love playing hide and go seek in the backyard and love to chase eachother. Sampson forgets though how much bigger he is as he's pouncing her.

Finally a use for all the baby clothes I've been collecting for years...

As time flies...

2008-01-12T21:05:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the long abscence...not much has happened except we are now the proud parents of a beautiful baby...dog. As God, or fate, or whatever would have it, the week that the Dr. gave me the worst news of my life, in another state a Boxer named Tanner was giving birth to our little baby girl-dog.

Jovial Christmas Webb...
(she's the dark one - isn't she cute?!)

Something to ponder...

2007-12-18T22:12:00.000-05:00

On Sunday Shannon and I went to see " I Am Legend". It was overall one of the best movies of this year and as I watched it I got to thinking.

Let's say that you are the only person left on earth and you are all alone for years and suddenly one day as you are walking, you find another person on earth...you are ecstatic, happy, joyful, and relieved to discover another being on the earth. You are overjoyed at the thought of being near another body. As you are screaming inside from the joy you feel, the person opens their mouth and begins to talk and all at once it hits you like a freight train that they have the single most annoying voice you have ever heard. Or let's say they have the most annoying personality ever.

Think about that. Being the only two people on earth and you facing a life alone with a person that grates your nerves like a cat licking your eyeball.

After my brain starting thinking about all this, it was hard to pay attention to the movie.

I just wanted to share....

Cookies Gone Wild...aka "Cookies made me go to Rehab, but I said No, No, No"

2007-12-07T16:49:00.001-05:00

The other night we decided to have a baking night. This formally began my obscession with the Christmas Cookie. I have eaten written a poem, which will be shared at a later time...it's entitled "Cookies made me go to Rehab, but I said No, No, No"...I know your senses are tingling to hear the full poem. You will just have to be patient. Here are some pictures for your enjoyment though of our fun baking night.

Naked Cookies.

When Sarah gets bored.
Laura working hard.

My pride & joy : the Anna Nicole Smith & Larry Birkhead cookies.

HEHE

Silly Girls...

Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee...365 days later

2007-11-21T15:16:00.000-05:00

364 Days ago I sat around with my family, who went around in a circle and said what they wanted to see happen in the next year.

Two big things were echoed over and over:
1) That we would have a baby
2) That Shannon would have a healthier year

Here we are 364 days later and God has indirectly, kinda, sorta answered those prayers. This has been the best year, health wise, for Shannon. He has only had one pancreatic attack (PRAISE GOD) and he has been of sounder mind.

The baby thing hasn't happened, and I can choose to be sad about that OR I can CHOOSE to be excited about something different...Laura and Lee have asked Shannon and I to be Ryan (the little Lions) godparents. It is such a privilege and blessing to have friends who love us enough to entrust us with that title...so we are no longer Uncle Shannon and Aunt Sarah to Ryan, we are now Godpapa Shannon and Godmama Sarah. I think its awesome to have a godchild...in a way it brings some peace to my heart.

So everyone have a happy thanksgiving...don't eat too much and try to excercise!!!!

More Halloweenies...

2007-11-16T13:35:00.001-05:00

More Happier Updates...

2007-11-14T12:05:00.000-05:00

Well to date I've lost 42 pounds. When I began I was wearing size 22s really tight (and 24s more comfortabley) and now I can safely say that half my pants are size 14s and the rest still 16s....but HEY that is an incredible achievement and I'm really happy with the results. I wish that the weight loss would happen a little faster, but it has been slow and steady so hopefully that means I won't gain it all back at one time when I get off the diet. I read that people w/ PCOS have a higher risk for developing diabetes due to the underlying insulin resistance, so I believe this low carb, low fat way of life might be sticking around for a long time.

I start decorating for Christmas. I love Christmas. It's one of my favorite holidays. I have put up my little lighted Christmas Village. We hung the stocking with care in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there... (whoops) No, but we did hang up our stockings and were happy for add the third stocking for Sampson...

That does lead me into a funny little blurp about that dog.

Every year at COTRs fall festival I adopt a stuffed animal or two. This year I adopted a Skunk Beanie Baby name Bobo and a Plush Hawk (that actually screeches) named Apollo. Now, Bobo has been put up and out of sight, but for some unknown reason, Sampson has been hunting Apollo. I keep putting Apollo up in places that I think he can't get to him, and sure enough minutes later there's Sampson giving me that "oh mom please can I keep him" look with Apollo sticking out of the side of his mouth. Apollo used to be this plush soft stuffed animal, but not anymore. He is prickly and crackly feeling b/c of all the times that Sampson has tried to eat him. I will not be surprised if I get home tonight and Apollo is on the floor again. I keep telling Sampson "no", but he doesn't listen to me.

Apart from Sampson's mischievious ways...Shannon and I are having the great christmas tree debate. I want to put the tree up NOW and him after Thanksgiving. I have given him several good reasons why now is the better time, but he keeps saying "tradition"! (Like Repteviah on Fiddler on the Roof har har)...so leave me a comment and let me know what you think about the great christmas tree debate...

Halloween at the Office...

2007-11-14T12:03:00.000-05:00

We are a silly bunch...Can you spot me?

I think I'm ready now...

2007-11-10T21:51:00.000-05:00

30 days and counting since I got the phone call that has put things into frightening perspective.

I haven't been ready to talk about it up until now, but I think in "healing" this hole in my heart that I'm currently in denial about I have to talk about it.

We have been trying to have a baby for 30 months. I have taken some fun drugs that were supposed to make me "work", but the sad realization came that for some reason, my body doesn't respond to these drugs. So my Dr. in the attempt to not "waste any more time" (which is what the nurse said verbatim) decided I needed to go see "the specialist" aka Dr. pay-for-all-the-tests-out-of-pocket-and-fun-procedures-too". At this point we take a step back and ask ourselves...1) can we afford it? 2) is it worth it? 3) do we solely trust God with this?

I think option 3 is what we are going with. But in trusting God you have to confront all your own personal demons and struggles, fears and insecurities, you have to learn to live with things you can't control and situations you can't change. You have to learn to deal with watching countless people live the dream you so desperately want to live.

The toughest thing for me is church and walmart. Both places I walk in and immediately am surrounded by people w/ babies, teenagers w/ babies, foreigners with their 6 kids and pregnant, parents screaming obscenities at their children, pregnant teenagers...and it makes me want to scream. I truly and honestly do not understand how a God that loves me so, could let some 14 year old get pregnant and not hear the prayer that we have offered up.

So I started thinking...someone once told me that if you ask for bread God will not give you a stone. So that got me thinking about the whole concept of praying for something specific and God not answering that prayer or answering the prayer in a totally unusual way. I have asked for bread and God has given me a stone...what kind of stone? For the sake of this argument I'm going to say it was some coal...I have asked for Rosemary Basil Foccacia Bread and he has given me a lump of coal. BUT in asking for this delicious Foccacia bread, God has put me through the fire. I have walked through the fire and I was not consumed...but in walking through this fire, guess what...my useless lump of coal has turned itself into a beautiful diamond. A diamond is more precious and more valuable than bread...but when my stomach is growling and I'm hungry, bread is what satisfies...not a diamond.

So you have to be like the woman at the well who was given the "living water"...it didn't quench her physical thirst, but her spiritual thirst, and like this situation, what God has given me won't satisfy my physical hunger, but will satisfy me spiritually.

So, I thank God that he has taken the time to let me go through all this suffering...it is purifying me and making my faith stronger. And right now as I stand and face up to possibly a life where I will never feel my own child kick within my belly, or never watch my husband's face as the Dr. says "its a boy/girl"...I have to remember that God is more in control of things than me and He sees the total picture where I only see the "now".

I do so desperately want to be a mother. I want to have those experiences and to be able to see pieces of me and pieces of Shannon imprinted on our child's face. I want to be able to give baths, and go walking at the park, and take pictures with our baby. God knows this...

So I just have to trust...

I don't like talking about this situation any more. It makes me sad when I think about it all...so we just don't talk about it anymore. We look forward to alternate things to do...adoption, foster care, etc. Whatever happens God will lead us.

Low-Carb Manna from Heaven

2007-10-26T08:21:00.000-04:00

Oh my Gosh! I have discovered the most awesome thing ever.

I found this item in the clearance bread section of Walmart and the word "low carb" caught my eye. Well last night, as I waited for my husband to get home, my stomach started telling my brain I hadn't eaten dinner yet.

All I've wanted for days is pizza. So It hit me. Here's my recipe for the awesome, low carb, manna from heaven, pizza crackers.

1 piece of Lavash bread (8 carbs)

Any kind of cheese you want

Any kind of pizza topping you want

Put piece of lavash bread in the oven on "broil". Let it get golden brown and then take it out of the oven. Flip the bread over and cover the uncooked side w/ whatever topping you want. ( I chose provolone & colby jack cheese, sundried tomatoes, a few onions and peppers). Put it back into the oven and let the cheese melt and get a little bubbly.

Take it out and enjoy.

I love this recipe for the following reasons :

1) Only around 10 carbs for a really big piece of pizza

2) It has the crunchiness of pizza crackers, but smoothness of pizza

3) The bread is really really really good for you (flax seed)

4) It's satisfying and doesn't even taste low-carby.

So with that in mind visit your local Wal-Mart and find some Joseph's Lavash Bread....and enjoy.

When you have no internet at home...

2007-10-17T12:44:00.000-04:00

SOOO much has happened in the couple of weeks. But with no internet access at home, my posts are becoming sparse. So here's the rundown of life's fun events.

~ The "miracle" medicine this month was more of a nighmare than a blessing. Horrible side effects. The highlight was spending a cumulative 3 hours crying in one day because...

~ The "miracle" medicine didn't work. Didn't work at all. AT ALL. So then I become depressed about it, especially thinking about taking more crazy drugs, so...

~ I started cheating on my diet in rebellion. The whole reason I went on this weight loss quest, was to aid my body in conceiving. When it was obvious that wouldn't be happening this month, my natural reaction was to eat as many carbohydrates as one person could eat. The bad thing was...

~ I ended up gaining 6 pounds from this.

So now I'm back on the diet and trying to avoid stress and cheating on my diet as much as possible...but thats not happening so well. I have a goal I want to reach, a total of 80 pounds lost. So far, I'm at 40...but I have to keep going and remind myself that this whole getting healthy thing is really worth not eating bread, and donuts, and candy bars, and potatoes, and .... oh my gosh.

This diet stinks.

Wednesday Updates

2007-10-03T09:04:00.000-04:00

~ I've lost 41.0 pounds exactly today

~ I get to eat Kenyan food on Saturday

~ Shannon's CD is officially being released on Saturday

~ Christmas is in, like, 86 days

Fall, Weight Loss, Fertillity Drugs...ALL THE JOYS OF LIFE

2007-09-19T12:19:00.001-04:00

Fall starts on Sunday...do you know how excited I am? The kickoff of fall signals the greatest time of year. The time of the year where I feel revived, excited, giddy like a little kid. And every day of fall brings us closer to those three glorious holidays...Halloween, Thanksgiving, and then the greatest of them all, Christmas!

For me this is starting out to be the greatest Fall of my entire life. I am quite pleased at the fact that I have lost...36.6 pounds. I used to think that putting on clothes that were loose would be a welcome thing, something I would delight in. But its quite the opposite. I cringe when I think about how nothing I own fits and the few clothes I have bought in smaller sizes don't fit either! I'm not complaining I promise you...its just hilarious how you think you will react one way and then when it happens it completely different.

I also started a new fertility medicine. We've been on a 9 month break from the crazy drugs. This new medicine though is AWESOME! Seroiusly. I have been so pleased with the side effects which so far has been : happy all the time, hyper all the time, and very emotional when I think about things that God has done. I really don't contribute this new, happy mindset I have to the medicine, but totally to God. The last time I had to walk this road, it was long, depressing, and completely overwhelming. I don't think I have been as happy as I am now ever.

And, Shannon and I are celebrating four year of marriage! How time flies. Only yesterday we were living in our little apartment at Tiffany Square with our constant roommates and neighbors with pesky dogs peeing on our porch. Now we are happy, unified, living in our own home, driving our two vehicles, loving our wonderful dog....How happy we both are!!!

Praise God. Thats the only thing I can say...He's the only one who would've arranged this whole symphony of blessings.

So with all that in mind...maybe a little Webb will come quickly now! I believe it...

Good Thursday

2007-08-23T11:08:00.000-04:00

33 POUNDS LOST AND COUNTING!

Random Beauty part 3

2007-08-16T20:51:00.000-04:00

Sharing my Joy with you

2007-08-16T20:38:00.000-04:00

Next to my wonderful husband and Jesus, this little guy has brought me more joy than anything else. I just wanted to share pictures. Everytime I look at them I can't help but be joyful inside. Don't let that cute face trick you though...he's a mess!

House Updates

2007-08-16T20:31:00.000-04:00

Oh Remember When...

2007-08-10T09:28:00.001-04:00

Glass half full OR Glass half empty

2007-08-09T15:35:00.000-04:00

Half full approach : I've lost 28 pounds!

Half empty approach : No baby this month :(

It's hard to keep holding on to a hope that slips right through your fingers.

Oh my goodness...

2007-07-16T09:21:00.000-04:00

Just to let everyone know...

I'VE LOST 25 POUNDS!!!!!

(pictures to follow soon)

TBN, Hair Wax, and Joel Osteen

2007-06-26T09:48:00.000-04:00

What do these three things have in common?

This is one of those "pouring out your heart" entries. Something within me that I want to write down so I will never forget.

The night began by what I can only explain as a "channel-flipping-fest". I flipped channels non stop last night, stopping to watch bits and pieces of the new show on NBC about the 20 yr olds vs. the 40 yr olds and their contest to get the guy.

As I became progressively bored-er, I saw that a movie was coming on TBN, and tonite the reception was crystal clear. We do not have cable, only rabbit ears, and we live under power lines, so most nights channels like TBN are snowy, but tonite, it was amazingly clear.

I saw that it was "The Story of Jacob and Joseph", so I had to watch. Shannon and I have had immense fun watching TBN movies together. I could tell right off that it was made in the early 70s, and I almost stopped watching, except Colleen Dewhurst played Rebekah and so it peaked my interest. You see, Colleen Dewhurst was Marilla Cuthbert on "Anne of Green Gables", and thats one of my favorite movies of all time.

The movie started out w/ Rebekah going into labor and she was talking to herself commenting to God how old she was to be carrying a baby...and I realized that I thought Rebekah was young when she had Jacob and Essau. So I got out my Bible, and read the except and it jumped out at me...

"...Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife because pregnant..." Gen 25:21

While I'm reading this passage I hear "double portion of blessing" come out of the TV. Which initially, when I started this blog, I felt God told me He was going to give me a double portion of his blessing...

Then I noticed something weird (to me at least)...several stories of barren women in the bible, deal with multiple wives. The husband has children w/ a person he does not love and a wife he loves. And the wife he loves is barren. For Ex., Sara was barren, but Abraham had many children through other people. Rachel was barren, but Jacob had many children through Leah and others. Hannah was barren, but her husband had many children through his other wife he didn't love.

And its amazing to think that these children from other people are not even known by name, but the children of promise from those who were greatly loved, and forever imprinted in our minds and hearts from the great things they have done. Isaac, Joseph, Samuel.

So, moving on. As I am watching this movie it talks about how Essau was hairy and Jacob was smooth skinned. I looked down at my physical affliction of hairy-beast arms, and decide "tonite's a good night to wax my arms". It wasn't that bad. I got through most of the left arm without tears or cursing. I did half the right arm, and I couldn't do it anymore. I had to give up and just shave it. It was a mixture of alot of pain and no pain at all (b/c the wax numbs your arms pretty good).

As I am waxing (and cooking at the same time at 12:00am) I hear Joel Osteen come on the TV. He starts talking about laying your dreams down on the alter. I wasn't really listening until he started talking about an infertile couple and what they would give to have a baby. And the wife had to lay their dream down on the alter and say that she wasn't going to ask God anymore for a baby, b/c he made her and he's heard her and he knows her heart's desire.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was like a pre-orchestrated night for God to minister to my heart and comfort me and encourage me and challenge me. Joel Osteen, made a couple really good points...

"Just because you don't see a way, doesn't mean that God doesn't already have one...Believe God's promises-we don't have to figure it out, we just have to trust..."

My downfall is I am always over-analyzing and trying to explain everything. This whole baby-situation has been one roller-coaster ride or trusting God, doubting God, hating myself, fear of never becoming a mother, etc. And the last 3 months now God has been comforting and encouraging me more than anything. Putting people and things in my path so that I wouldn't have to worry or fear. Sunday was a really tough day for me. There was a teenage girl at church w/ a newborn, I had to go to a baby shower, I was grilled by someone at the baby shower about when we were having kids, I found out that someone we know got pregnant while on birth control (3 times...miscarried once)...the whole day was nothing but the devil coming up against me and beating me down.

God really used last night to comfort my heart and to challenge me to lay this dream on the alter and let Him to His job. I am not by any means, completely healed. The sting and pain still hurts, but I am encourage that God is healing my heart every day and orchestrating a plan for my life that is better than the one I would've dreamed.

More Random Beauty...

2007-06-25T14:25:00.000-04:00

Donnie's Birthday

2007-06-25T13:51:00.001-04:00

We had an Asian themed surprised birthday party for Donnie. It was awesome. Shannon tricked Donnie into going to the Studio so we could decorate. At 6:50pm, I rode down to the church to pick up people to take back to the house. The boys in the band (who are sooo macho) looked at me and said, we'll start walking (COTR is like 30 seconds from our house). I told them I would be right back to get them. As I go back to get them, I pull into a driveway into Wesleyan and they start piling in (sweaty and stinky none-the-less). Well I start to pull off and they start yelling for me to stop. I see the back door open and I think to myself that I just tried to drive away w/ my door wide open. As I am watching the door, Jim appears and gets into the car and it dawns on me...Jim fell out of the car as I drove away w/ the door wide open. I almost killed Jim, or at least hurt him pretty bad. I was laughing, and Jim, always the good sport, kept saying it was alright.

We went back to the house where everyone was waiting, I called Shannon and pretended to be Joe, which was the secret phrase that we were ready for the boys to come back. So Shannon pretended he forgot his guitar and they had to go home. We all hid, and as they came into it still didn't hit Donnie what was going on...even w/ all the decorations and people.

We all went in together and got him a Guitar-stacky-thingy. Beats me. It was a spider something or another. I'm not sure on all the technicalities of the machine, but he was pretty excited about it. We gave him a pedal first and he liked it (notice Joe's arm holding him back from all the excitement), then we gave him the head and he was really shocked. Then we gave him the cabinet, and he was speechless. Each picture shows the progression of gifts.

The Pedal. Loving the pedal...

Loving the amp head. Speechless.

The Band's First Gig

2007-06-25T13:42:00.001-04:00

So, the Shannon Webb Band finally had their first gig, on May 30th, 2007 at Hobgood Academy, in Hobgood NC. This event was sponsored by several different churches who were determined to make a difference in the community and schools. The turnout was awesome, and the kids really got into worship as SWB started playing worship songs.

We went into with demos to sell, thinking we were only going to sell a few. We sold around 19 demos. We weren't expecting to sell that many!!! Thats what happens when you put God into a box, he blows your socks off.

That's why this magical place isn't called Hobgood, its called "Hob-GREAT"

Moms Mac

2007-06-22T10:02:00.001-04:00

Mom got a new Mac on Thursday. We spent all night playing with it. It was a lot of fun. Here's a picture of us wearing crowns and playing with different textures.

Beautiful Moments in Random Places...

2007-06-19T16:12:00.000-04:00

Look Closer. Looks can be deceiving.

The artistic joy of positive and negative spacing.

I love the way the cake looks like its on fire.

Shannon's Birthday...the great grill story

2007-06-19T16:07:00.000-04:00

I thought it would be nice to post pictures from Shannon's birthday. Team Captain Michael Chase pulled us all together to treat Shannon to a grill fit for a king.

Shannon's expressions are priceless.

the Homestead

2007-06-19T10:19:00.000-04:00

THIS IS OUR HOME!!!!

The living room - before the furniture.

The laundry room (how interesting)

Messy room. This will be the future baby's room.

Our backyard (this was the selling point)

After much prayer, sacrifice, and saving...God blessed us with this beautiful house. We were lucky to have an awesome realtor, who worked magic for us. I really never thought I would own my own home...and it has been so much fun!! Here are some more pictures, so enjoy!

Pretty dog to go with our pretty house. This is our adopted baby Sampson. As you can tell, he LOVES to sleep on pillows.

Long time, no write

2007-06-13T09:31:00.000-04:00

It has been such a long time since writing...we left off on my "quest" to find my double portion of blessing. God is faithful.

After 3 years, we finally bought a house. I will post pictures later.

2006-02-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

God gave me a dream and told me He would give me a "double portion of His blessing"....this is my journey in finding it.